Sunday was Mother's day. I just want to touch base on what Mother's day means to me currently. I have 4 remarkable human beings as children, and 2 others as that are practically my own (friends of my eldest son and daughter)... and I am proud of EACH and EVERY one of them. They are all so well behaved and although they all make mistakes along the way, they are so disciplined in what is wrong and right. All of them are Christians and the Lord takes care of each of them, but it is truly what is given to them that they take out of. I am NOT a perfect parent, by ANY means. But I am very explicit and vocal about what my desires, expectations, and needs are as a MOM in every which way, believe me, they have it straight. I am truly blessed to have these children surrounding me at all times. Seriously, at all times... lol.
To explain further, my first son Michael, who I love to death... was an "old soul" at birth... every nurse in that hospital voted him the most beautiful baby born that day... well, I didn't care about that, since he was my first born (although I lost one before him), and I just wanted him. PERIOD... there was no explaining beyond that. He also was the easiest when it came to being a baby... so good, and never wanting more than he could get as a kid. We would go to the store and he just knew that when mommy said, "i have no money", he didn't ask twice even if it was something he needed to have or hungered for.
Then, a few years (about 5) later, I had my daughter, Jessi... OMgeeeeeeeee, she drove me crazy! She DID NOT sleep for the first 2 years of her life, I kid you not... and really, if I would have had her first, I don't think I would have had any more kids...
But despite what I had to go through with her, she is now a GEM of a daughter... she makes me so proud of who she has become. Don't get me wrong, she is a BUTTFACE (my favorite word when the kids act up), but she is such a good girl. She is a remarkably bright student and fine young lady. She has no intentions of having boyfriends during school and is seriously annoyed by the other couples that just cannot be true to each other or to themselves. This is true in most relationships but much more so during "teenagedom". She doesn't understand why people lose themselves in the midst of their getting to know their boy/girl friends. I am so thankful for her conviction that true love can not and mostly does not happen during the teens. I am happy that she has embraced this for now.I also have a wonderfully, talented, and loving 12 year old son, soon to be 13... who has a very kind soul. Especially with younger children... he is surely a favorite amongst them. He is so inventive, independent, and fun. He is the first to laugh at himself... and is not afraid of his mistakes or klutziness. Instead, he uses it to his advantage and makes videos on youtube, which are pretty funny, I must admit. He has recently started to write lots of lyrics that he was inspired to write by Christian rap bands and I am thankful for that divine inspiration. But yet, he is like most ordinary 12 year old boys... wanting to watch action movies, play video games, and play with his friends.
THEN, there is my little one. 2 going on 18... LOL, she is soooooo ahead of herself. She definitely knows what she wants, when, and how. But it is hard to get mad at her little sweet and bright face so we all just kind of let her get away with things... sometimes, okay, who are we kidding... MOST times.
Each of my children gave me the sweetest and most wonderfully written cards for Mother's day. Each one picked out cards that meant something special to each of them, and wow... every one of them made me hold back tears of joy and pride while reading them. I feel I am really loved and admired and respected, but most of all, NEEDED. This is what makes it all worthwhile. I want to be admired, loved, respected by them, but most of all... I want to be needed by my children. I like knowing that my kids like being around me. At all ages! Hopefully that lasts forever.
My relationship with my mother has, to say the least... has taken a turn for the worst in the past few months and I just am so sorry that things are where they are now. But I was truly raised by a selfish, materialistic, cold hearted woman who never showed me how a mother should treat her daughter. I don't think I deserved the Hitler like upbringing... and I don't say that loosely, there were in fact some very strange resemblances to the German regime of Hitler as well as an admiration for the way Germans raised and trained their children. Brrrrrrrr, cold. Still feel the breeze now. I will share just one memory right now to describe my mother's display of affection towards her only daughter... although this is not the worst of memories, it is still very vivid in my mind as to how hurtful bad parenting can be to a child. I was about 8-9 years old... and my mother was very upset on one occasion where she was intoxicated and distraught thinking my father was out cheating on her again. So as usual, since she had no acquaintances to call friends, she would just share her misery with lil' ol' me. LUCKY ME. Well, this particular night's episode consisted of her feeling sorry for herself and unloved by everyone, so she decided to end her life, right there in front of me. She got out a bottle of nail polish remover and proceeded to try and open it so that she can drink it. She advised me how it would melt her insides and kill her instantly. So of course, I struggled to get the bottle away from her and the liquid started to leak out in spurts as it was being jolted by the both of us trying to get it away from the other. The liquid then dissolved the mahogany wood finish on her dresser top that we were attempting to wrestle the bottle away from each other. All along, I'm thinking, "OMG, this thing is going to burn her insides just like it is burning the wood on this dresser!" Now, you tell me if this is something a child should have to see... or am I just overly exaggerating? What I had to go through with my parents is something else... the pain, the emotional and physical abuse, and the torment of being their child is utterly overwhelming for me, even now to look back on. BUT I made it through. Although my mother never knew or cared enough to teach me about a LOVING and FORGIVING God we have, she did instill in me the FEAR of an angry God and thus as a child of 8 or 9, I would always question why any God would place a child into a home such as this... hateful, cold, and dysfunctional. At that age, I was writing suicide notes and poems and unsuccessfully attempted suicide many times using OTC medicines I would find around the house. Thankfully, I found God about 12 years ago. And was saved by Him. Which in turn saved me... from myself and my horrible existence and memories. And although I am still learning how to love and be loved by God, I am much happier with the circumstances and results of my life. AND on days like Mother's day, I realize just how lucky I am. How lucky I am that I am not like my own mother and how lucky I am to have children who actually love me as a MOM and want to be around me. I guess I've done a good job... and I guess I've done a better one than my mother did?
Although I just don't understand why she thought and continues to think that she needs to be so unloving to me and my children, I'm glad I have enough love to share with her as well as my children. I will soon blog what the breaking straw was recently, but I just don't understand why she cannot enjoy the world in which she lives in without always finding something or someone in it that has to change to her liking. I feel like I am rambling a bit... when it comes to her, I usually do... because there are so many facets of our relationship that I still do NOT understand. Some of the horrible things I had to witness as her child at unimaginable ages are in the way of me seeing her for who she really is. AND maybe who she still can be.
I will continue to share more memories with you soon... but first, I need to evaluate in my mind what goes first and what comes next. Or does the order of events even matter??? I don't know.
I thank my children and my Lord and my husband for allowing me the happiness I was showered with this mother's day. It couldn't have been more perfect...
Even if my mother wasn't a part of it this year... but then again, not like she really ever was any other past years. Sad, but true. Thanks for reading and understanding more of who I was and am.Love,
Me
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