Changes... I am not afraid.

My life...  where do I even begin this post?  Well, let me break down exactly what I feel right now, in my heart, mind, soul, head...  (sigh).  As a child, I mean, a CHILD... I worked with my parents in their businesses...  never had a childhood, so I had to fabricate one while ditching most of my classes during middle and high school.  BUT not at the expense of getting an education.  I was skipped twice and graduated at the early age of 16, and well... after battling with my parents on wanting to go to an out of state college, decided to pick up and leave home... FOR GOOD.  I left with the clothes on my back.  That's it. 

I am unsure how I survived, and that is another chapter in my book (well, it will take several) but what I do know, is... I had to work.  I got very skilled at moving around and learning from each job I took... at times, keeping 2 or 3 jobs to survive, and at times, just getting by barely. 

So, when I look back on my life, now at the age of 45 (shhhhhhhhhhhh, let's keep that a secret)...  I have been working most of my life... in fact, I feel like I have worked almost 40 years!!!  Once I had my children, I continued to work pretty steadily and except for maternity leaves which were always shortened, and 2-3 day vacations combined over a weekend gap...  I never really took time off to smell the flowers or enjoy life.  I also put myself through college once #2 came into my life... and so for a few years, even as I lost a child and birthed #3 alive and well...  I continued to work, attend school full time (keeping an immaculate 4.0 average), and paid a house mortgage and educated my children through private schools for all of the years.  Oh, did I mention going through a divorce (yet another story)?  I am not sure how I did it...  and even when people called me SUPERWOMAN, I did not feel I was.  I just went with the flow... and managed to survive.

Back at the end of 2011, I left my secure executive roles behind...  to care primarily for my son (after his auto accident - another chapter?) and to take a break from it all.  By now, I had been living with the chronic pain associated with stress (fibromyalgia and psoriatic arthritis) for over 10 years.  Waking up stiff as a board and at times so swollen, I couldn't bend my joints to save my life.  In tears, I would get ready and most times, even needed help getting dressed properly.  But off I went...  into the corporate world, ready to kick ass at whatever I was challenged to do. NEVER knowing how to say NO.  In 2012, I decided to go into business with a partner to create my own brand... a simple short line made lovingly in California, called... SIMPLY SHORT USA.  I also started to consult independently for a few companies...  and well, one thing led to another, and before you know it, I was running around crazy again, but not making nearly as much as I was as an executive (approx 320K per year last I checked).  So, near the end of 2012, I decided that working independently or trying to gain momentum of a new brand with no funds to back it up was too difficult, and before the well completely ran dry, I decided to go back to work full time again.  WELL, easier said than done.  Just as I was embarking on getting myself back out there, my youngest child had a sudden and violent seizure that left her temporarily paralyzed...  and hospitalized for almost a week.  Again, much like my eldest son's accident...  I was once again left reeling with the emotional distress of a confused parent not knowing how or what to do for their child, feeling for once in my life... HOPELESS. 

But I kept on going... and faith in the future and the Lord was restored fully...  and though I went through some emotional moments with seeing my child completely change under medication (and decided to take her off completely), I am ready, willing, and focused on getting back to work.  BUT AGAIN, easier said than done... especially at my level, positions don't just appear.  This is why I never left a position unless I had another secured for many, many, many years. 

NOW, I am faced with many financial issues... from trying to continue paying on my 15 year mortgage, to paying the utilities, to paying for my children's education...  and so on, and so on.  The well is dry... and I am finally and completely at a loss.  I am seriously considering selling my home that I worked so hard to keep for the past 18 years.  Oh well, I keep telling myself... it's just material things of no value in the end.  The end of what?  I could start fresh, I say...  start anew, I keep thinking... but can I?  The motivating factor is still the same for me after all these years, clicking into survival mode for the sake of my children... because as a single parent income household...  I am all they have.  AND VICE VERSA.

God help me...  please.  Many days, I keep from completely losing it, and going into a full panic/anxiety attack mode.  By the grace and mercy of my Lord... I make it through each hour of each day.  SIGH, BIG SIGH.

I am sending out endless emails asking companies to review and consider my resume...  that I would take a paycut, and a lower position... without selling myself too short.  BUT the word "overqualified" or "no positions at your level is open" is often the reply I get... and I am getting sick of hearing it, frankly. 

That is it for now...  when I can channel more thoughts that inspire me to put pen to paper again... I shall.  But my mind is exhausted, tormented, and withdrawn on multitudes of levels...  I apologize.  Until next time, God bless!

Love,

Me

This little thing we call LIFE...

There is usually very little I regret about my life...  NOT because it's been perfect, but because I really think every experience, however bad or good, was meant to be (according to God's plan) and I am who I am because of each of them.  HOWEVER, there are times that I look back and wonder/ponder on MISSED opportunities that I let slip by or the choice to choose an option that I didn't at the time because something/someone dictated otherwise...  those are the things that make me go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  BUT, it's never too late, and there are so many things I still want to do, places I want to go, and characters/roles/inspirations I aspire to be.  I still have degrees I have not finished, and books I haven't read (for starters).  Lately, I feel a calling to do something philanthropic but also spiritually to do something of value and means for humanity.  I also feel that there is so much for me to still learn and experience from life, valuable lessons about cultures, lifestyles, and people... mostly by traveling the world.  When I took time off to try and get some things into perspective last year...  I didn't really know what direction I was headed in.  And now, I am again at a crossroads, and with many paths I could take.  I just need to enjoy my children as much as I can... and whatever path I choose, whether near, far... where ever the road decides to take me in this new journey of my life... I need to stay the course (God's course) and look straight ahead and up! 

Michael Altamirano R.I.P.

When I was 19 years old, I met and fell in love with a man 13 years my senior.  He was quite the handsome man but also was mysterious, wise (in his own way), and well... FUN.  In my youth, I envied his ability to shake things off, to take life lightly, and to move forward no matter how much he stumbled and fell.  Nothing kept him down, physically or spiritually.  He was always "ready" for anything life had in store.  What got me most was that he loved me but was unwilling to settle down.  And of course, at that age, I wasn't ready to either but I was so engaged and impressed in his personality and demeanor that I was simply "taken".  He could walk into a room and turn heads, not only because he was beautiful but because he knew how to make people laugh...  at him, at themselves, and at life.  Eventually, I "GOT" him...  so to speak.  He fell for me in ways that even he couldn't understand.  I was relentless...  and persistent, LOL.  I was never able to settle him down, and he never married anyone but not too long ago, he voiced to me that if there was anyone in his life he would have married, it would have been me.  That meant A LOT to me, and for those that knew his love of freedom and free spirit, it means a LOT for him to give himself to anyone that way.  He loved life and freedom too much to commit to just one person or thing at any time.  He was reckless and he knew it, and he didn't want anyone to be hurt by his negligence...  he didn't want to cause any pain to anyone else for his own sake of happiness.  You had to really KNOW him to UNDERSTAND him.  He was a different man of a different breed.  He was a proud man.  He was a proud American Indian/Mexican man.  But as tall and big as he stood, he was also a soft spoken, caring, and loving person.  One of the most loving people I know.  During our relationship of a few years, he taught me much more than what the usual older man could teach a young girl.  He taught me recipes (quirky ones) and he taught me how to check my oil, and to inflate my tires, and to walk.  He walked everywhere, and so did I.  He taught me if you put one foot in front of the other, you will eventually make it from point A to B.  :)  Makes me smile just thinking of some of the jokes and laughs we shared, even at my own expense, LOL.  He always knew how to poke fun at me and make the whole room laugh...  ugh!  But it was okay.  I had thick skin to begin with and he knew it.  I was a SPUNKY young gal and that is what he fell for most.  My inner strength and endurance... and he taught me how to channel and use it to my advantage to continue surviving and growing.

Our world wasn't perfect and neither was our relationship.  He was always "taking time out" from us and well, I dealt with it as best as I could... but like I said, it was like trying to keep an EAGLE's wings clipped and in a cage.  When he had to go, he had to go.  Whatever was on his mind, he had to do.  And I either had to respect it and deal with it, or let HIM GO.  Well, eventually I did... deal with it in my own way.  And once I decided to let him go, he fought to try and keep me.  But when I was done, I was done.  Except that in a very strange way, we became closer friends.  He became my protector and my shoulder to cry on through future crisis in my life.  He was there for me even when another man made me cry, just as he had done when we were together.  It was funny and ironic, but it worked for us.  Our relationship was never normal, but then again, whose is, right???  My eldest son, (Michael Joseph - who he nicknamed Mojoe) was named after both Michael and his brother, Joseph (fondly nicknamed HOBO by loved ones) who I also loved and cared for deeply.  Years ago, we lost Hobo to physical ailments, and then their mother Rosie.  Michael also realized one day that his son (Michael Ray) by a young school sweetheart named Rosie, had passed away from Hodgkin's disease during his early 30's whilst living in Texas.  When I met Michael at 19, he had a son that was only 3-4 years younger than me...  who I grew to know and love as well.  The news of his son's death broke his inner soul and spirit and I know he has never been the same.  Though we had a son during our relationship, it wasn't the same (another story to share on a later blog).  Our story isn't simple, it has its many ups, downs, and twists.  But through and through, we reconnected on many occasions and for many reasons.  More so for tragedies and sad times, unfortunately, though he did get to see Mojoe graduate Junior high and High School.  He also always reached out to me when he was hospitalized for one thing or another.  Lord knows that man lived a rough life!  He wasn't one to start a fight, but boy did he know how to end one!  He was one of the strongest men I'd ever known.  And when someone messed with his loved ones, they would pay.  He was always there to defend my honor as a lady.  No matter what. 

Yesterday, I felt things were a little "off"... though much was accomplished, I felt a feeling of loss and confusion throughout the day.  Last night, I realized why.  I was given news by one of his nieces after midnight that Michael was found dead in the canyons of Azusa.  I don't know the details as of yet, but what I know is that he and a friend went up ahead of friends and family for camping and during "setting up the campsite", he wandered off thinking he could find an easier route and fell 50 feet.  I pray that he died on impact or perhaps that his heart failed from the fall before he hit the ground.  But deep down inside, I fear that his great will and strength and the very endurance that allowed him to remain alive through his roughest moments in life might have kicked in to spite him in the end...  and I fear that he might have survived the fall and died alone and that for once in his life, he knew what fear and loneliness meant.  The only peace and comfort I can muster up is the thought that he was preparing to do what he loved most...  to have a good time with loved ones.  Michael wasn't ever lonely, though he lost a lot of friends and family along the way, he had many more who cared deeply for him.  For some of us, it was torturous to watch his health decline over the years (having once known his strength and vitality).  For those of us that loved him, it was tough to just stand by and watch him slowly kill himself (he loved beer almost more than he loved women and life itself)!  And though our life as friends, lovers, and soul mates was never perfect, he taught me one very important thing that to this day, allows me to exist in peace, to LAUGH.  My life was never easy, and I didn't really care about myself as much as he did at the time our paths crossed.  But through laughter, he taught me to overcome my fears, pains, and inhibitions... and to live again.  We had many years that we were apart, but we were eventually reunited, as truer friends than ever.  And I was glad to be there for him when he needed me most.  Through death, illness, sorrow/pain, and laughter.  We were always there for each other, to console, to listen, and to encourage.  He didn't have a prosperous life, but he was RICH in many ways, he had so many who cared for him.  He brought love and laughter to many who needed it.  Lord knows he always knew how to make me laugh and crack a smile no matter what I was going through and he and I knew we could always count on each other for comfort and friendship.  Today, I am left with another scar in heart and soul, but my spirit is lifted knowing he is in a better place and my heart is filled with memories we shared.  At the end of our lives, we leave behind all our material possessions including our bodies, but what remains behind is what is most important, the laughs we shared, the love we showed, and the hearts and minds we inspired.  Take a moment every day to share something positive with a loved one, or even a stranger...  those are the prints of your life you leave behind forever.  Michael Altamirano, you will forever live strong as the day I met you in my heart.  And I already feel the warmth of your presence watching over me.  You are forever my angel, and now... God has given you wings so that you may take flight as you have always desired to.  Rest in Peace, my beautiful beloved friend.

Meaning of Life, love, and expression

Though we are supposed to die this year...  according to the Mayan calendar...  I honestly think the old ancient Mayan gods must have made a fluke and it should have ended last year.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I am not one who is afraid to die...  well, let me rephrase that.  I don't want to die a terrible death...  don't want anyone wiping me or changing my diapers and cleaning up my drool when the day comes.  I would like to just die.  A quick swift, hopefully a painless death.  I know this sounds morbid... a bit (sarcasm) but we all know the day will soon come for us.  After all, we are all BORN to DIE... that is definitely one thing we, as a human race, share equally, regardless of creed, color, sex, or well... whatever else category we fall under.  But I wonder, even as a imperfect Christian, what is the meaning of life in between birth and death.  People have different ways of expressing their feelings of depression, happiness, love, compassion, and death.  Sometimes, people cry out so loud but no one hears.  Sometimes, some just live with the feeling inside until one day, it just overwhelms them and they have no where else to face.  Last year was one of the most difficult for me...  in a long time.  I have gone through many trials and tribulations in my life before, but I was stronger, more energetic, more resilient, more tolerant, and well, maybe even more ignorant.

2011 started early for me with a good friend leaving me at work to fend for myself, then a younger brother of another very good friend taking his life, and then finding out that my Grandmother in law, who we affectionately called "Lita" being diagnosed with cancer and lasting less than 3 weeks with us.  We found peace in letting her go and letting her be in peace, but it still hurt.  MORE for her immediate family but I was deeply threaded in the daily going ons with her arrangements and I just felt like it was what I was called to do for that family.  Then I decided to give fate a try and left my place of employment as an executive and decided to take some time off to spend with my children.  By then, my husband of more than 4 years and I decided to break things off and take a break.  He was a househusband for so long and I was a career oriented mother for so long and we were just both going off course, and it was time to stop the freight train before it collided.  I have been in bad relationships enough to know that this was going no where and it would soon end up badly for my children, my self esteem, and my dignity... once again.   Though I had committed to another job, my heart wasn't in it... after all, I am a "fixer" and I was tired of "fixing" at that point and I just, at this point, needed to be "fixed" myself.  During my first 90 day probation period, my eldest son got into a very bad accident and reality really sunk into my life much more than anything I had experienced and at that point, nothing else mattered.  It was different when I needed to be healed, but it was another to see my eldest, my first born, have to go through the duress that he went through and was to face.

That's when my life took a turn.  Life became meaningless for about a good 4-5 weeks.  I stopped eating, caring, sleeping, worrying, thinking, contemplating, planning...  being the usual me.  I stopped being a fixer for that time.  I lost a ton of weight, lost my mind a few times, and lost reality of what my life had become.  I couldn't understand how I felt so blessed and so distraught at the same time.  I felt guilty, lost, tormented, depressed, sad, mad, hurt...  just hollow and empty.  It's a feeling of loneliness that is hard to feel when you are surrounded by so much love with 4 kids and "loving, supportive, and caring" friends yet there is still an emptiness that almost can't even be filled spiritually.  I say that carefully, "almost", because I have always been filled spiritually and inspired to do what was right even in my worst of moments in life.  I really wanted to continue this blog and add more to this...  but I will continue to express the rest afterwards in another chapter.

Love,

Me

an update to my life,,,

So, in a nutshell... so many things have changed in my life recently.  I have recently changed jobs, become separated (relationship work in process is what I shall term it for now), and am raising this year, a college student who is looking to move out soon (yay?), a senior who is scared of the future, a freshmen who has gotten into wrestling, and a 4 year old itching to start school next fall!  OH BOY!  But, I am still rock solid...  still believing in the Lord and His will and plan for me... and well, just chugging along.  So many other things have transpired over the course of the past few months though... this year has been challenging, life changing, and ever evolving.  But I do feel stronger than ever (not necessarily physically, still suffering from my usual pain) but just solid.  God gives me strength from inside and out.  I seem to continue to grow in knowledge and wisdom (not all the time).  My children are still my pillars of support...  4 for all corners (see God did have a plan) and without them (though they do drive me crazy at times), I would not be who I am every day. 

Well, I don't want to go into too much detail until things have sorted out, but... just wanted to update my life.

Love,

Me

Respect for our children...

What we parents have to understand is that our children are certainly reflections of us, but they are NOT us, and sometimes, they are much BETTER people than we will ever be. If we remember and respect that, we can actually spend quality valuable time helping to mentor, provide guidance, and set good examples (the best within our means) for them, instead of "expecting them to do all the wrong things that we did and pretending to have profound insight into knowing who they are" when we don't even know ourselves... Should they be held forever in contempt for mistakes, bad decisions, and actions of our own during youth??? I will always be a parent/mom, but I do respect and love my children (all of them) for who they each have become and continue to become... and I will always be positively supportive and unconditionally protective... forever. But I also want to be the best listener, counselor, and non judgmental shoulder to cry on.

The wave of anger I decided to surf on...

I'm mad at myself just as much as with you.  I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for the things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you an important part of my life, for depending on you, for wasting my time, and then still being able to forgive you, think of you, wish good things for you, and even dream of you.  BUT MOST OF ALL, I am mad at myself for not hating you, which is how I really should feel. 

What's on my mind?  I'm fkn tired.  I'm tired of caring for people who don't give a sh*t about me.  I'm tired of thinking things will be different, yet they never change.  I'm tired of giving out chances, only to be let down.  I'm tired of putting forth 110% of effort and only getting back 25% in return.  I'm tired of broken promises.  I'm tired of let downs by the people who matter to me the most.  I'm tired of making someone a priority, when in reality I'm just a number to them.  I'm tired of sh*tty friends who are never there for me.  I'm tired of self centered a**holes, who only manipulate a situtation from their own perspective, never even thinking about what someone else is going through.  I'm so tired of the same old bullsh*t over and over again.  I guess I am just tired, yet I can't sleep...  I wish I could close my eyes and wake up to a whole new world in a new dimension and time.