So as I continue to pen my thoughts and stories, and try and recollect some of the good memories along with the bad, I am overwhelmed with memories of growing up with very little emotional connection with two alcoholic parents who cared about money and success more than anything else. Some might call this achievement but what they achieved was nothing in the end... and all they accomplished was making me feel "invisible" within a completely dysfunctional family system. I only share this with you because some of the pain that surfaces with these difficult memories are an important reflection of who I am today and what values are important to me within my family circle and system. As a child, I found connection and validation through academics and was skipped twice to graduate 2 years ahead of my peers. But following high school, my controlling mother would not allow me to attend school out of state even though I had been accepted into Princeton, Stanford, and NYU. She wanted for me to attend UCLA and stay at home. This was a choice I could not accept so as a child of 16, I left with the clothes on my back and never looked back (well, except once... but that was a brief stay and another story). Living on the cold and dangerous streets of Hollywood was better than living in a cold and cruel home in Hancock Park. I preferred, at the time, to prove myself worthy of love. And of course, I looked for it and found it in some very wrong people and places. Again, another story. But looking back, I realize now that all I wanted was a warm, genuine hug and kiss... and to hear the words I hardly ever heard from my parents, "We love you".
I believe what I recently experienced was not symptoms of a heart attack but symptoms of heart break. Life will always present challenges and bring us to our knees... and no one ever said life was going to be easy... but for me, truly... the people in it have made it so much more difficult than it needed to be. Every one of my life events were meant to be growing experiences for me and every wrong or bad turn presented times of incredible positive changes... but sometimes it is overwhelming and I am human. If I didn't eventually find faith in God and He didn't empower me with the courage, strength, and guidance, I would have and could still slip into a place of perpetual darkness. My children have always been my light and my armor against the world and its obstacles, and before them, my perseverance and unwillingness to give up on anything I laid hands on were what kept me going. There were positives and negatives to this... I excelled at everything I attempted to succeed at (studying, business, parental goals and achievements) but also didn't know when to walk away and accept failures in several relationships gone bad.
Growing up physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred and abused also led me to react and retaliate outside of the home in violence and the unwillingness to be pushed around by anyone... ANYONE. Guy, girl, one, two, three, four... it didn't matter... I was down to fight anyone or everyone that wanted a piece of me. Most times I won, but when the odds (in numbers and or sex) was against me, I lost... but beaten, battered, and bruised, I was still better off than helpless. Or at least that is what my young mind thought... it took me years to control that part of my behavior. I had to accept that part of growing up and maturing was to just walk away. But boy do I have stories to share with you before that revelation hit me!
I recently gave up on a lot of people around me that I truly felt I needed to be there for... and it hurts. It broke my heart into pieces and shattered my very inner soul and being. But within the emptiness, I also feel that a great deal of weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Burdens, guilt, and a whole bunch of just hopelessness that I've been lugging around lately has just seemed to dissipate as I resolved to move forward in my life and leave some very important people behind for now. Perhaps one day, my sense of obligation will encourage me to go back and make amends but for now, I need to be where I am. I need to be who I am for those that are most important to me. My God, my children, my husband, and my true friends and family that give back whenever and however they can. They are important to me and my life right at this moment. And I need to focus on that. Oh, and on me too... when I get the chance or time to.
Well, that's it for now...
Love,
Me
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