Anyway, during these times, I had just started to find the Lord, and I was sort of upset with him for taking "Gabriel" away from me. But months later, I got pregnant again with Matthew and all was better and my heart was on its way to healing. BUT I should have known when my then husband turned to me to say (instead of being overcome with joy as I had from hearing the news), " Damn, what are you... the queen of fertility?"
So I noticed the pattern and changes in him slowly, gradually, but obviously. When we met, he had just come out of the army and he was a security guard, but as we got closer, I urged him to go to school and while my parents helped fortify his loss of income, he went through a quick course to learn computers and networking... at that time, he could hardly even turn on a computer! I was so proud of him.. and he graduated and got a job at COMPUSA. But he was earning small potatoes (a little more than minimum wage) working in the back repairing stuff, so I hooked him up with the husband of a friend who happened to work as a contractor to TRW, BOEING, DOF, and many other BIG companies. I pushed him to put together a resume and he was able to get a job too soon working for TRW as a contractor. Apparently, there he found himself a cougar older than me who was "suffering from her own divorce as a result of infidelity - her doctor hubby cheated on her and left her for a younger woman" so she used my husband to feel sorry for her and to crawl her way into his crotch. How do I know all this? Well. that is a whole different story and it only gets worse or better, however you decide to see it, from there.
Anyway, for many years, and for the well being of my children, I tried very hard to keep our family together. BUT TO NO AVAIL. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and I could not function and or accept that. I lost myself during that entire ordeal and if it was not for the love of my children and their unconditional love and need for me, I would probably have committed murder and either been in jail and or jumped off of the nearest cliff making a run from the cops! Yea, I have a pretty wild imagination but that was what I truly felt then.
So, again, I don't want to discourage anyone who really thinks that there is hope for a man who says he can change. And I guess there are some men out there who really can think with the right head when it comes to the potential of losing all that they have. Only some though. I've watched my dad keep different women all throughout his marriage to my mother. And on many occasions, I was introduced to them and even had it out with the "other women" if and when needed. I even found one in our home one day when my mother was out of town, can you believe it? I went from that to having boyfriends who weren't exactly on the up and up... but then again, I was always looking in the wrong places and looking for all the wrong guys. Boy, if they wanted me, I ran the other way and was always very mean to them, but if they wanted nothing to do with me (which wasn't often but it happened =)), then I went after them with everything I had and always won the prize, even if it ended up being a black eye or a kick in the ear with a steel toe boot resulting in 13 stitches! Again, many more stories to come. Anyway, I ended up marrying someone who I was attracted to only because he was such a good soul and who I thought I could trust with anything. WELL, what a complete 360 degree turnabout that ended up being!
Anyway, there are more chapters to this story so I will share all in good time, but I wanted to just go back and say that while I do believe in saving a relationship/marriage, especially one that involves children, sometimes, it ends up doing more harm than good for everyone involved. Again, I will elaborate further later.
Love,
Me
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