Meaning of Life, love, and expression

Though we are supposed to die this year...  according to the Mayan calendar...  I honestly think the old ancient Mayan gods must have made a fluke and it should have ended last year.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I am not one who is afraid to die...  well, let me rephrase that.  I don't want to die a terrible death...  don't want anyone wiping me or changing my diapers and cleaning up my drool when the day comes.  I would like to just die.  A quick swift, hopefully a painless death.  I know this sounds morbid... a bit (sarcasm) but we all know the day will soon come for us.  After all, we are all BORN to DIE... that is definitely one thing we, as a human race, share equally, regardless of creed, color, sex, or well... whatever else category we fall under.  But I wonder, even as a imperfect Christian, what is the meaning of life in between birth and death.  People have different ways of expressing their feelings of depression, happiness, love, compassion, and death.  Sometimes, people cry out so loud but no one hears.  Sometimes, some just live with the feeling inside until one day, it just overwhelms them and they have no where else to face.  Last year was one of the most difficult for me...  in a long time.  I have gone through many trials and tribulations in my life before, but I was stronger, more energetic, more resilient, more tolerant, and well, maybe even more ignorant.

2011 started early for me with a good friend leaving me at work to fend for myself, then a younger brother of another very good friend taking his life, and then finding out that my Grandmother in law, who we affectionately called "Lita" being diagnosed with cancer and lasting less than 3 weeks with us.  We found peace in letting her go and letting her be in peace, but it still hurt.  MORE for her immediate family but I was deeply threaded in the daily going ons with her arrangements and I just felt like it was what I was called to do for that family.  Then I decided to give fate a try and left my place of employment as an executive and decided to take some time off to spend with my children.  By then, my husband of more than 4 years and I decided to break things off and take a break.  He was a househusband for so long and I was a career oriented mother for so long and we were just both going off course, and it was time to stop the freight train before it collided.  I have been in bad relationships enough to know that this was going no where and it would soon end up badly for my children, my self esteem, and my dignity... once again.   Though I had committed to another job, my heart wasn't in it... after all, I am a "fixer" and I was tired of "fixing" at that point and I just, at this point, needed to be "fixed" myself.  During my first 90 day probation period, my eldest son got into a very bad accident and reality really sunk into my life much more than anything I had experienced and at that point, nothing else mattered.  It was different when I needed to be healed, but it was another to see my eldest, my first born, have to go through the duress that he went through and was to face.

That's when my life took a turn.  Life became meaningless for about a good 4-5 weeks.  I stopped eating, caring, sleeping, worrying, thinking, contemplating, planning...  being the usual me.  I stopped being a fixer for that time.  I lost a ton of weight, lost my mind a few times, and lost reality of what my life had become.  I couldn't understand how I felt so blessed and so distraught at the same time.  I felt guilty, lost, tormented, depressed, sad, mad, hurt...  just hollow and empty.  It's a feeling of loneliness that is hard to feel when you are surrounded by so much love with 4 kids and "loving, supportive, and caring" friends yet there is still an emptiness that almost can't even be filled spiritually.  I say that carefully, "almost", because I have always been filled spiritually and inspired to do what was right even in my worst of moments in life.  I really wanted to continue this blog and add more to this...  but I will continue to express the rest afterwards in another chapter.

Love,

Me