Changes... I am not afraid.

My life...  where do I even begin this post?  Well, let me break down exactly what I feel right now, in my heart, mind, soul, head...  (sigh).  As a child, I mean, a CHILD... I worked with my parents in their businesses...  never had a childhood, so I had to fabricate one while ditching most of my classes during middle and high school.  BUT not at the expense of getting an education.  I was skipped twice and graduated at the early age of 16, and well... after battling with my parents on wanting to go to an out of state college, decided to pick up and leave home... FOR GOOD.  I left with the clothes on my back.  That's it. 

I am unsure how I survived, and that is another chapter in my book (well, it will take several) but what I do know, is... I had to work.  I got very skilled at moving around and learning from each job I took... at times, keeping 2 or 3 jobs to survive, and at times, just getting by barely. 

So, when I look back on my life, now at the age of 45 (shhhhhhhhhhhh, let's keep that a secret)...  I have been working most of my life... in fact, I feel like I have worked almost 40 years!!!  Once I had my children, I continued to work pretty steadily and except for maternity leaves which were always shortened, and 2-3 day vacations combined over a weekend gap...  I never really took time off to smell the flowers or enjoy life.  I also put myself through college once #2 came into my life... and so for a few years, even as I lost a child and birthed #3 alive and well...  I continued to work, attend school full time (keeping an immaculate 4.0 average), and paid a house mortgage and educated my children through private schools for all of the years.  Oh, did I mention going through a divorce (yet another story)?  I am not sure how I did it...  and even when people called me SUPERWOMAN, I did not feel I was.  I just went with the flow... and managed to survive.

Back at the end of 2011, I left my secure executive roles behind...  to care primarily for my son (after his auto accident - another chapter?) and to take a break from it all.  By now, I had been living with the chronic pain associated with stress (fibromyalgia and psoriatic arthritis) for over 10 years.  Waking up stiff as a board and at times so swollen, I couldn't bend my joints to save my life.  In tears, I would get ready and most times, even needed help getting dressed properly.  But off I went...  into the corporate world, ready to kick ass at whatever I was challenged to do. NEVER knowing how to say NO.  In 2012, I decided to go into business with a partner to create my own brand... a simple short line made lovingly in California, called... SIMPLY SHORT USA.  I also started to consult independently for a few companies...  and well, one thing led to another, and before you know it, I was running around crazy again, but not making nearly as much as I was as an executive (approx 320K per year last I checked).  So, near the end of 2012, I decided that working independently or trying to gain momentum of a new brand with no funds to back it up was too difficult, and before the well completely ran dry, I decided to go back to work full time again.  WELL, easier said than done.  Just as I was embarking on getting myself back out there, my youngest child had a sudden and violent seizure that left her temporarily paralyzed...  and hospitalized for almost a week.  Again, much like my eldest son's accident...  I was once again left reeling with the emotional distress of a confused parent not knowing how or what to do for their child, feeling for once in my life... HOPELESS. 

But I kept on going... and faith in the future and the Lord was restored fully...  and though I went through some emotional moments with seeing my child completely change under medication (and decided to take her off completely), I am ready, willing, and focused on getting back to work.  BUT AGAIN, easier said than done... especially at my level, positions don't just appear.  This is why I never left a position unless I had another secured for many, many, many years. 

NOW, I am faced with many financial issues... from trying to continue paying on my 15 year mortgage, to paying the utilities, to paying for my children's education...  and so on, and so on.  The well is dry... and I am finally and completely at a loss.  I am seriously considering selling my home that I worked so hard to keep for the past 18 years.  Oh well, I keep telling myself... it's just material things of no value in the end.  The end of what?  I could start fresh, I say...  start anew, I keep thinking... but can I?  The motivating factor is still the same for me after all these years, clicking into survival mode for the sake of my children... because as a single parent income household...  I am all they have.  AND VICE VERSA.

God help me...  please.  Many days, I keep from completely losing it, and going into a full panic/anxiety attack mode.  By the grace and mercy of my Lord... I make it through each hour of each day.  SIGH, BIG SIGH.

I am sending out endless emails asking companies to review and consider my resume...  that I would take a paycut, and a lower position... without selling myself too short.  BUT the word "overqualified" or "no positions at your level is open" is often the reply I get... and I am getting sick of hearing it, frankly. 

That is it for now...  when I can channel more thoughts that inspire me to put pen to paper again... I shall.  But my mind is exhausted, tormented, and withdrawn on multitudes of levels...  I apologize.  Until next time, God bless!

Love,

Me

This little thing we call LIFE...

There is usually very little I regret about my life...  NOT because it's been perfect, but because I really think every experience, however bad or good, was meant to be (according to God's plan) and I am who I am because of each of them.  HOWEVER, there are times that I look back and wonder/ponder on MISSED opportunities that I let slip by or the choice to choose an option that I didn't at the time because something/someone dictated otherwise...  those are the things that make me go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  BUT, it's never too late, and there are so many things I still want to do, places I want to go, and characters/roles/inspirations I aspire to be.  I still have degrees I have not finished, and books I haven't read (for starters).  Lately, I feel a calling to do something philanthropic but also spiritually to do something of value and means for humanity.  I also feel that there is so much for me to still learn and experience from life, valuable lessons about cultures, lifestyles, and people... mostly by traveling the world.  When I took time off to try and get some things into perspective last year...  I didn't really know what direction I was headed in.  And now, I am again at a crossroads, and with many paths I could take.  I just need to enjoy my children as much as I can... and whatever path I choose, whether near, far... where ever the road decides to take me in this new journey of my life... I need to stay the course (God's course) and look straight ahead and up!