So, in a nutshell... so many things have changed in my life recently. I have recently changed jobs, become separated (relationship work in process is what I shall term it for now), and am raising this year, a college student who is looking to move out soon (yay?), a senior who is scared of the future, a freshmen who has gotten into wrestling, and a 4 year old itching to start school next fall! OH BOY! But, I am still rock solid... still believing in the Lord and His will and plan for me... and well, just chugging along. So many other things have transpired over the course of the past few months though... this year has been challenging, life changing, and ever evolving. But I do feel stronger than ever (not necessarily physically, still suffering from my usual pain) but just solid. God gives me strength from inside and out. I seem to continue to grow in knowledge and wisdom (not all the time). My children are still my pillars of support... 4 for all corners (see God did have a plan) and without them (though they do drive me crazy at times), I would not be who I am every day.
Well, I don't want to go into too much detail until things have sorted out, but... just wanted to update my life.
Love,
Me
Welcome to ladyboss2u.com. I have many stories, opinions, and comments to share with the world. I hope that through some of my experiences, you may be empowered to make the right decisions and choices in your own life.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Respect for our children...
What we parents have to understand is that our children are certainly reflections of us, but they are NOT us, and sometimes, they are much BETTER people than we will ever be. If we remember and respect that, we can actually spend quality valuable time helping to mentor, provide guidance, and set good examples (the best within our means) for them, instead of "expecting them to do all the wrong things that we did and pretending to have profound insight into knowing who they are" when we don't even know ourselves... Should they be held forever in contempt for mistakes, bad decisions, and actions of our own during youth??? I will always be a parent/mom, but I do respect and love my children (all of them) for who they each have become and continue to become... and I will always be positively supportive and unconditionally protective... forever. But I also want to be the best listener, counselor, and non judgmental shoulder to cry on.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
The wave of anger I decided to surf on...
I'm mad at myself just as much as with you. I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for the things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you an important part of my life, for depending on you, for wasting my time, and then still being able to forgive you, think of you, wish good things for you, and even dream of you. BUT MOST OF ALL, I am mad at myself for not hating you, which is how I really should feel.
What's on my mind? I'm fkn tired. I'm tired of caring for people who don't give a sh*t about me. I'm tired of thinking things will be different, yet they never change. I'm tired of giving out chances, only to be let down. I'm tired of putting forth 110% of effort and only getting back 25% in return. I'm tired of broken promises. I'm tired of let downs by the people who matter to me the most. I'm tired of making someone a priority, when in reality I'm just a number to them. I'm tired of sh*tty friends who are never there for me. I'm tired of self centered a**holes, who only manipulate a situtation from their own perspective, never even thinking about what someone else is going through. I'm so tired of the same old bullsh*t over and over again. I guess I am just tired, yet I can't sleep... I wish I could close my eyes and wake up to a whole new world in a new dimension and time.
What's on my mind? I'm fkn tired. I'm tired of caring for people who don't give a sh*t about me. I'm tired of thinking things will be different, yet they never change. I'm tired of giving out chances, only to be let down. I'm tired of putting forth 110% of effort and only getting back 25% in return. I'm tired of broken promises. I'm tired of let downs by the people who matter to me the most. I'm tired of making someone a priority, when in reality I'm just a number to them. I'm tired of sh*tty friends who are never there for me. I'm tired of self centered a**holes, who only manipulate a situtation from their own perspective, never even thinking about what someone else is going through. I'm so tired of the same old bullsh*t over and over again. I guess I am just tired, yet I can't sleep... I wish I could close my eyes and wake up to a whole new world in a new dimension and time.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
RIP Caylee Anthony??? I don't think so...
Caylee Marie Anthony (August 9, 2005 – c. June 16, 2008)[1] was a child from Orlando, Florida, whose disappearance in June 2008 attracted national media attention. Caylee's skeletal remains were discovered December 11, 2008, six months after she was reported missing by her grandmother, Cindy Anthony.[2] Her mother, Casey Anthony, decided not to report her daughter missing, and was indicted on charges of felony murder, though she continued to maintain her innocence throughout her trial.
On July 5, 2011, Casey Anthony was found not guilty of murder, aggravated child abuse, and aggravated manslaughter, but guilty of four misdemeanor counts of providing false information to a law enforcement officer.[3]
The following diary entry by Casey Anthony is dated "June 21" and reads:
I have no regrets, just a bit worried. I just want for everything to work out OK. I completely trust my own judgment and know that I made the right decision. I just hope that the end justifies the means. I just want to know what the future will hold for me. I guess I will soon see – This is the happiest that I have been in a very long time. I hope that my happiness will continue to grow– I've made new friends that I really like. I've surrounded myself with good people – I am finally happy. Let's just hope that it doesn't change.[59]WOW! I don't even know what to say. I thought for sure that justice would be served in this case. I mean here is another young irresponsible, self centered, and immature woman who has killed her child and has shown absolutely no remorse or sorrow for her daughter's well being (initially lost, then found dead). She didn't even report her own child missing until her parents finally did! A whole month later!!! Her parents were concerned for the safety of the child, not only because they predominantly raised her and cared for her, but because their daughter's towed vehicle smelled of death!!! The so called mother of this beautiful almost 3 year old is out partying meanwhile and blaming some non-existent nanny that didn't even exist or even though she did, didn't ever meet any of the family members!!! Am I the only one astonished and shocked here??? What is this world coming to??? I know about the mumbo jumbo of circumstantial evidence, I understand reasonable doubt, I understand facts, heresay, whatever... BUT I AM A MOTHER IN PAIN FOR YET ONE MORE CHILD THAT WAS KILLED AT THE HANDS OF ITS OWN MOTHER WHO BORE IT LIFE!!! WHY??? If you're not ready for a child, don't have one! Otherwise, know that you need to sacrifice your life at some point wholeheartedly for your children. PERIOD. Hey, it might take some time getting used to the idea that you are your child's only provider and it might take time to actually perceive and understand that they have you and only you to rely on... from the moment they come out of the womb to the day they or you die... they are your children and they deserve everything, something, anything from you. After all, they didn't ask to be born, you couldn't keep your legs closed, the rubber ripped, you didn't think it wouldn't happen, blah, blah, blah... at the end of the day... YOU DIDN'T THINK... PERIOD. I am heart broken and I pray for that little baby who died a horrible death and was found duct taped with stickers and with her favorite blankie... in the woods, six months later. I don't know... my heart is broken and I am ashamed of my peers that made the decision to let this murderer walk. God bless and good night!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Long time no blog
Hello all,
It's been a while since I've blogged any entries... my life has been consumed by every day activities and well, just life itself. For those of you who are not keeping up, I bought a cafe a few months ago. Yes, you read it right... I bought and opened a cafe! What was I thinking? Well, my main objective was to help my son and his childhood friend out by getting them going into operating and managing their own business... at my expense (sigh). I am sure that from the tone of this brief recap, you would gather that I am struggling with that decision. It has not been pretty. I have pretty much depleted my savings account and now am wondering what the heck I was thinking?
I wasn't. That is typical of me. I tend to jump into situations as I am always rushed to help someone in need. When it comes to myself, I can psycho analyze the crap out of every little thing. But when it comes to the benefit of others, I jump through hoops! Well, this was one of those scenarios. I thought I would help Peter, his mom, and my son out by coming up with this brilliant idea... and I honestly didn't want anything really but to break even and maybe get a tax break out of it. I mean, don't get me wrong... I was hoping things would go well, but I had no high hopes of making big money from this. What I didn't realize or even fathom was how much I had to lose from it. I just jumped in thinking about all the positives this could bring about for everyone... and instead, so far, it is biting me in the arse.
At this point, there is nothing else I can do except wait it out (sigh). I've never been a quitter, and I can't quit now. Not yet. I've got to give it a year so it can take its full course. Even at the expense of going broke!
Anyway, sorry this wasn't bubbly with good news. It will take a whole new subject to make me bubbly right now.
BUT, I do have many things to be thankful and grateful for. Like my children, my health, and my sanity and wits (for now). I do feel blessed even when I am down, especially when my kids are around me. I feel so enriched and full... even with a headache and an empty stomach at the end of a long and hard day. And for whatever reason, even at my lowest point these days, I feel hopeful and not completely at a loss. After all, I do know that He is with me. Every step of the way. And even though I don't see His footsteps in the sand next to mine... I believe that He is carrying me right now. Not to be dramatic but I really do, in my heart, feel this is the case.
Hope you all are doing okay. You are all in my prayers!
Love,
Me
It's been a while since I've blogged any entries... my life has been consumed by every day activities and well, just life itself. For those of you who are not keeping up, I bought a cafe a few months ago. Yes, you read it right... I bought and opened a cafe! What was I thinking? Well, my main objective was to help my son and his childhood friend out by getting them going into operating and managing their own business... at my expense (sigh). I am sure that from the tone of this brief recap, you would gather that I am struggling with that decision. It has not been pretty. I have pretty much depleted my savings account and now am wondering what the heck I was thinking?
I wasn't. That is typical of me. I tend to jump into situations as I am always rushed to help someone in need. When it comes to myself, I can psycho analyze the crap out of every little thing. But when it comes to the benefit of others, I jump through hoops! Well, this was one of those scenarios. I thought I would help Peter, his mom, and my son out by coming up with this brilliant idea... and I honestly didn't want anything really but to break even and maybe get a tax break out of it. I mean, don't get me wrong... I was hoping things would go well, but I had no high hopes of making big money from this. What I didn't realize or even fathom was how much I had to lose from it. I just jumped in thinking about all the positives this could bring about for everyone... and instead, so far, it is biting me in the arse.
At this point, there is nothing else I can do except wait it out (sigh). I've never been a quitter, and I can't quit now. Not yet. I've got to give it a year so it can take its full course. Even at the expense of going broke!
Anyway, sorry this wasn't bubbly with good news. It will take a whole new subject to make me bubbly right now.
BUT, I do have many things to be thankful and grateful for. Like my children, my health, and my sanity and wits (for now). I do feel blessed even when I am down, especially when my kids are around me. I feel so enriched and full... even with a headache and an empty stomach at the end of a long and hard day. And for whatever reason, even at my lowest point these days, I feel hopeful and not completely at a loss. After all, I do know that He is with me. Every step of the way. And even though I don't see His footsteps in the sand next to mine... I believe that He is carrying me right now. Not to be dramatic but I really do, in my heart, feel this is the case.
Hope you all are doing okay. You are all in my prayers!
Love,
Me
Mother's Day and the true meaning behind it for me
Hello all,
Sunday was Mother's day. I just want to touch base on what Mother's day means to me currently. I have 4 remarkable human beings as children, and 2 others as that are practically my own (friends of my eldest son and daughter)... and I am proud of EACH and EVERY one of them. They are all so well behaved and although they all make mistakes along the way, they are so disciplined in what is wrong and right. All of them are Christians and the Lord takes care of each of them, but it is truly what is given to them that they take out of. I am NOT a perfect parent, by ANY means. But I am very explicit and vocal about what my desires, expectations, and needs are as a MOM in every which way, believe me, they have it straight. I am truly blessed to have these children surrounding me at all times. Seriously, at all times... lol.
To explain further, my first son Michael, who I love to death... was an "old soul" at birth... every nurse in that hospital voted him the most beautiful baby born that day... well, I didn't care about that, since he was my first born (although I lost one before him), and I just wanted him. PERIOD... there was no explaining beyond that. He also was the easiest when it came to being a baby... so good, and never wanting more than he could get as a kid. We would go to the store and he just knew that when mommy said, "i have no money", he didn't ask twice even if it was something he needed to have or hungered for.
Then, a few years (about 5) later, I had my daughter, Jessi... OMgeeeeeeeee, she drove me crazy! She DID NOT sleep for the first 2 years of her life, I kid you not... and really, if I would have had her first, I don't think I would have had any more kids...
But despite what I had to go through with her, she is now a GEM of a daughter... she makes me so proud of who she has become. Don't get me wrong, she is a BUTTFACE (my favorite word when the kids act up), but she is such a good girl. She is a remarkably bright student and fine young lady. She has no intentions of having boyfriends during school and is seriously annoyed by the other couples that just cannot be true to each other or to themselves. This is true in most relationships but much more so during "teenagedom". She doesn't understand why people lose themselves in the midst of their getting to know their boy/girl friends. I am so thankful for her conviction that true love can not and mostly does not happen during the teens. I am happy that she has embraced this for now.
I also have a wonderfully, talented, and loving 12 year old son, soon to be 13... who has a very kind soul. Especially with younger children... he is surely a favorite amongst them. He is so inventive, independent, and fun. He is the first to laugh at himself... and is not afraid of his mistakes or klutziness. Instead, he uses it to his advantage and makes videos on youtube, which are pretty funny, I must admit. He has recently started to write lots of lyrics that he was inspired to write by Christian rap bands and I am thankful for that divine inspiration. But yet, he is like most ordinary 12 year old boys... wanting to watch action movies, play video games, and play with his friends.
THEN, there is my little one. 2 going on 18... LOL, she is soooooo ahead of herself. She definitely knows what she wants, when, and how. But it is hard to get mad at her little sweet and bright face so we all just kind of let her get away with things... sometimes, okay, who are we kidding... MOST times.
Each of my children gave me the sweetest and most wonderfully written cards for Mother's day. Each one picked out cards that meant something special to each of them, and wow... every one of them made me hold back tears of joy and pride while reading them. I feel I am really loved and admired and respected, but most of all, NEEDED. This is what makes it all worthwhile. I want to be admired, loved, respected by them, but most of all... I want to be needed by my children. I like knowing that my kids like being around me. At all ages! Hopefully that lasts forever.
My relationship with my mother has, to say the least... has taken a turn for the worst in the past few months and I just am so sorry that things are where they are now. But I was truly raised by a selfish, materialistic, cold hearted woman who never showed me how a mother should treat her daughter. I don't think I deserved the Hitler like upbringing... and I don't say that loosely, there were in fact some very strange resemblances to the German regime of Hitler as well as an admiration for the way Germans raised and trained their children. Brrrrrrrr, cold. Still feel the breeze now. I will share just one memory right now to describe my mother's display of affection towards her only daughter... although this is not the worst of memories, it is still very vivid in my mind as to how hurtful bad parenting can be to a child. I was about 8-9 years old... and my mother was very upset on one occasion where she was intoxicated and distraught thinking my father was out cheating on her again. So as usual, since she had no acquaintances to call friends, she would just share her misery with lil' ol' me. LUCKY ME. Well, this particular night's episode consisted of her feeling sorry for herself and unloved by everyone, so she decided to end her life, right there in front of me. She got out a bottle of nail polish remover and proceeded to try and open it so that she can drink it. She advised me how it would melt her insides and kill her instantly. So of course, I struggled to get the bottle away from her and the liquid started to leak out in spurts as it was being jolted by the both of us trying to get it away from the other. The liquid then dissolved the mahogany wood finish on her dresser top that we were attempting to wrestle the bottle away from each other. All along, I'm thinking, "OMG, this thing is going to burn her insides just like it is burning the wood on this dresser!" Now, you tell me if this is something a child should have to see... or am I just overly exaggerating? What I had to go through with my parents is something else... the pain, the emotional and physical abuse, and the torment of being their child is utterly overwhelming for me, even now to look back on. BUT I made it through. Although my mother never knew or cared enough to teach me about a LOVING and FORGIVING God we have, she did instill in me the FEAR of an angry God and thus as a child of 8 or 9, I would always question why any God would place a child into a home such as this... hateful, cold, and dysfunctional. At that age, I was writing suicide notes and poems and unsuccessfully attempted suicide many times using OTC medicines I would find around the house. Thankfully, I found God about 12 years ago. And was saved by Him. Which in turn saved me... from myself and my horrible existence and memories. And although I am still learning how to love and be loved by God, I am much happier with the circumstances and results of my life. AND on days like Mother's day, I realize just how lucky I am. How lucky I am that I am not like my own mother and how lucky I am to have children who actually love me as a MOM and want to be around me. I guess I've done a good job... and I guess I've done a better one than my mother did?
Although I just don't understand why she thought and continues to think that she needs to be so unloving to me and my children, I'm glad I have enough love to share with her as well as my children. I will soon blog what the breaking straw was recently, but I just don't understand why she cannot enjoy the world in which she lives in without always finding something or someone in it that has to change to her liking. I feel like I am rambling a bit... when it comes to her, I usually do... because there are so many facets of our relationship that I still do NOT understand. Some of the horrible things I had to witness as her child at unimaginable ages are in the way of me seeing her for who she really is. AND maybe who she still can be.
I will continue to share more memories with you soon... but first, I need to evaluate in my mind what goes first and what comes next. Or does the order of events even matter??? I don't know.
I thank my children and my Lord and my husband for allowing me the happiness I was showered with this mother's day. It couldn't have been more perfect... Even if my mother wasn't a part of it this year... but then again, not like she really ever was any other past years. Sad, but true. Thanks for reading and understanding more of who I was and am.
Love,
Me
Sunday was Mother's day. I just want to touch base on what Mother's day means to me currently. I have 4 remarkable human beings as children, and 2 others as that are practically my own (friends of my eldest son and daughter)... and I am proud of EACH and EVERY one of them. They are all so well behaved and although they all make mistakes along the way, they are so disciplined in what is wrong and right. All of them are Christians and the Lord takes care of each of them, but it is truly what is given to them that they take out of. I am NOT a perfect parent, by ANY means. But I am very explicit and vocal about what my desires, expectations, and needs are as a MOM in every which way, believe me, they have it straight. I am truly blessed to have these children surrounding me at all times. Seriously, at all times... lol.
To explain further, my first son Michael, who I love to death... was an "old soul" at birth... every nurse in that hospital voted him the most beautiful baby born that day... well, I didn't care about that, since he was my first born (although I lost one before him), and I just wanted him. PERIOD... there was no explaining beyond that. He also was the easiest when it came to being a baby... so good, and never wanting more than he could get as a kid. We would go to the store and he just knew that when mommy said, "i have no money", he didn't ask twice even if it was something he needed to have or hungered for.
Then, a few years (about 5) later, I had my daughter, Jessi... OMgeeeeeeeee, she drove me crazy! She DID NOT sleep for the first 2 years of her life, I kid you not... and really, if I would have had her first, I don't think I would have had any more kids...
But despite what I had to go through with her, she is now a GEM of a daughter... she makes me so proud of who she has become. Don't get me wrong, she is a BUTTFACE (my favorite word when the kids act up), but she is such a good girl. She is a remarkably bright student and fine young lady. She has no intentions of having boyfriends during school and is seriously annoyed by the other couples that just cannot be true to each other or to themselves. This is true in most relationships but much more so during "teenagedom". She doesn't understand why people lose themselves in the midst of their getting to know their boy/girl friends. I am so thankful for her conviction that true love can not and mostly does not happen during the teens. I am happy that she has embraced this for now.I also have a wonderfully, talented, and loving 12 year old son, soon to be 13... who has a very kind soul. Especially with younger children... he is surely a favorite amongst them. He is so inventive, independent, and fun. He is the first to laugh at himself... and is not afraid of his mistakes or klutziness. Instead, he uses it to his advantage and makes videos on youtube, which are pretty funny, I must admit. He has recently started to write lots of lyrics that he was inspired to write by Christian rap bands and I am thankful for that divine inspiration. But yet, he is like most ordinary 12 year old boys... wanting to watch action movies, play video games, and play with his friends.
THEN, there is my little one. 2 going on 18... LOL, she is soooooo ahead of herself. She definitely knows what she wants, when, and how. But it is hard to get mad at her little sweet and bright face so we all just kind of let her get away with things... sometimes, okay, who are we kidding... MOST times.
Each of my children gave me the sweetest and most wonderfully written cards for Mother's day. Each one picked out cards that meant something special to each of them, and wow... every one of them made me hold back tears of joy and pride while reading them. I feel I am really loved and admired and respected, but most of all, NEEDED. This is what makes it all worthwhile. I want to be admired, loved, respected by them, but most of all... I want to be needed by my children. I like knowing that my kids like being around me. At all ages! Hopefully that lasts forever.
My relationship with my mother has, to say the least... has taken a turn for the worst in the past few months and I just am so sorry that things are where they are now. But I was truly raised by a selfish, materialistic, cold hearted woman who never showed me how a mother should treat her daughter. I don't think I deserved the Hitler like upbringing... and I don't say that loosely, there were in fact some very strange resemblances to the German regime of Hitler as well as an admiration for the way Germans raised and trained their children. Brrrrrrrr, cold. Still feel the breeze now. I will share just one memory right now to describe my mother's display of affection towards her only daughter... although this is not the worst of memories, it is still very vivid in my mind as to how hurtful bad parenting can be to a child. I was about 8-9 years old... and my mother was very upset on one occasion where she was intoxicated and distraught thinking my father was out cheating on her again. So as usual, since she had no acquaintances to call friends, she would just share her misery with lil' ol' me. LUCKY ME. Well, this particular night's episode consisted of her feeling sorry for herself and unloved by everyone, so she decided to end her life, right there in front of me. She got out a bottle of nail polish remover and proceeded to try and open it so that she can drink it. She advised me how it would melt her insides and kill her instantly. So of course, I struggled to get the bottle away from her and the liquid started to leak out in spurts as it was being jolted by the both of us trying to get it away from the other. The liquid then dissolved the mahogany wood finish on her dresser top that we were attempting to wrestle the bottle away from each other. All along, I'm thinking, "OMG, this thing is going to burn her insides just like it is burning the wood on this dresser!" Now, you tell me if this is something a child should have to see... or am I just overly exaggerating? What I had to go through with my parents is something else... the pain, the emotional and physical abuse, and the torment of being their child is utterly overwhelming for me, even now to look back on. BUT I made it through. Although my mother never knew or cared enough to teach me about a LOVING and FORGIVING God we have, she did instill in me the FEAR of an angry God and thus as a child of 8 or 9, I would always question why any God would place a child into a home such as this... hateful, cold, and dysfunctional. At that age, I was writing suicide notes and poems and unsuccessfully attempted suicide many times using OTC medicines I would find around the house. Thankfully, I found God about 12 years ago. And was saved by Him. Which in turn saved me... from myself and my horrible existence and memories. And although I am still learning how to love and be loved by God, I am much happier with the circumstances and results of my life. AND on days like Mother's day, I realize just how lucky I am. How lucky I am that I am not like my own mother and how lucky I am to have children who actually love me as a MOM and want to be around me. I guess I've done a good job... and I guess I've done a better one than my mother did?
Although I just don't understand why she thought and continues to think that she needs to be so unloving to me and my children, I'm glad I have enough love to share with her as well as my children. I will soon blog what the breaking straw was recently, but I just don't understand why she cannot enjoy the world in which she lives in without always finding something or someone in it that has to change to her liking. I feel like I am rambling a bit... when it comes to her, I usually do... because there are so many facets of our relationship that I still do NOT understand. Some of the horrible things I had to witness as her child at unimaginable ages are in the way of me seeing her for who she really is. AND maybe who she still can be.
I will continue to share more memories with you soon... but first, I need to evaluate in my mind what goes first and what comes next. Or does the order of events even matter??? I don't know.
I thank my children and my Lord and my husband for allowing me the happiness I was showered with this mother's day. It couldn't have been more perfect...
Even if my mother wasn't a part of it this year... but then again, not like she really ever was any other past years. Sad, but true. Thanks for reading and understanding more of who I was and am.Love,
Me
Orphans on Children's Day in Korea.. by Hannah Kim
In a perfect world, there would be no orphans. Every single one of theworld's 2.2 billion children would be doted upon by their parents. Andevery day would be like May 5 in South Korea when nearly 8 million kidsare sure to be spoiled on the national holiday set aside as Children'sDay.
But obviously we do not live in a perfect world. There are currently143-210 million displaced children worldwide, and nearly 15 million whowill ``age out" of the adoption system and consequently lose theirchances of finding a home. And the excruciating reality is that thesekids are innocent victims of social ills induced by adults, which is whywe have a communal responsibility to care about it.
In Korea alone, there are nearly 10,000 new-born babies every year whoare abandoned for various reasons, and only 3,900 of them are adoptedinto new homes. One may naively assume there would be very few neglectedchildren in the prosperous modern Korea, or at least none being sentabroad. Inarguably, there has been a declining rate in overseasadoptions in the recent years, but this is only due to a precipitousdrop in the Korean birth rate. Still, roughly one of 250 Korean childrenis adopted into an American family.
As commonly known, the Korean War (1950-53) orphaned thousands of lostchildren and ``G.I. babies" found themselves out on the streets. Hencesince 1955, the Holt International Children's Services and other groupshave placed about 150,000 (out of 200,000) Korean children into Americanhomes. It started when Harry and Bertha Holt, a devout Christian couplefrom Oregon, became concerned for their fate ― after watching adocumentary about their plight ― and lobbied Congress for the passage ofthe Holt bill. As a result they adopted eight Korean children in 1955when international adoptions were virtually unheard of. The children'sarrival garnered media attention, and prompted American familiesnationwide to seek Korean children.
But what trended as a result of war and poverty morphed into a systemthat remained even after economic conditions ameliorated. Social normsof Korea's traditional society emphasized paternal family ties,bloodlines, and homogeneity; therefore biracial or fatherless childrenwere not easily accepted, and the stigma associated with singlemotherhood forced many women to abandon their offspring. Most families(who secretly adopted) chose babies under a month old to pass them offas their own. The concept of ``open adoption'' with sharing informationbetween birth and adoptive families is still an unconventional practicein Korea.
Nonetheless ― and perhaps inspired by to the likes of Madonna andAngelina Jolie who have 'flaunted' their adopted children from Africaand South Asia on the front cover of national tabloid magazines ― Koreansociety is warming up to the idea of adoption. Each year when thecharity photo exhibition titled ``Letters from Angels'' features starsposing with babies available for adoption, almost all of them areadopted. More than 80 celebrities and 150 babies have been photographedsince 2003 to promote awareness.
The US Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting Systemapproximates there are 510,000 children in foster care (who aretemporarily placed in foster homes, group homes, emergency shelters,residential facilities, pre-adoptive homes and with relatives). The goodnews is that 70 percent of the children leave the system to be reunitedwith their families or permanently placed with relatives, mostly inless than one year.
The foster care system is not a silver bullet: there are still 114,000children in the U.S. waiting to be adopted from foster care, with 20,000children turning 18 annually and no longer eligible. Nevertheless, Iagree ``a family within the country, preferably a relative, should besought before international families'' as dictated by theUNICEF-inspired Hague Convention on Inter-country Adoption, and theKorean government should concurrently adopt a better foster care systemto prop up its efforts to cease international adoption from Korea inaddition to enforcing the domestic Adoption Promotion Law (2009) andother effective means.
Clearly, it is easy to respond numbly and view these figures as merestatistics. But the silent tears of the orphans and grief of the parentswho cannot indulge, or let alone care for, their beloved offspring onChildren's Day should compel us to coalesce in tackling the roots of theproblems that cause the vicious cycles that make orphans out ofinnocent children.
In a perfect world, children would stay with their biological parents,and remain connected to their roots. Neither adoption nor foster carewill solve the underlying issues of war, poverty, disease, famine, andneglect. But each of the 2.2 billion children is precious and deserves aplace where they can call home.
Hannah Kim is a 2009 master's graduate at the George WashingtonUniversity Graduate School of Political Management, specializing inlegislative affairs. She spearheaded the passage of the ``Korean WarVeterans Recognition Act, U.S. Public Law 111-41," which was signed byPresident Obama on July 27, 2009. She can be reached at hkim@remember727.org.
But obviously we do not live in a perfect world. There are currently143-210 million displaced children worldwide, and nearly 15 million whowill ``age out" of the adoption system and consequently lose theirchances of finding a home. And the excruciating reality is that thesekids are innocent victims of social ills induced by adults, which is whywe have a communal responsibility to care about it.
In Korea alone, there are nearly 10,000 new-born babies every year whoare abandoned for various reasons, and only 3,900 of them are adoptedinto new homes. One may naively assume there would be very few neglectedchildren in the prosperous modern Korea, or at least none being sentabroad. Inarguably, there has been a declining rate in overseasadoptions in the recent years, but this is only due to a precipitousdrop in the Korean birth rate. Still, roughly one of 250 Korean childrenis adopted into an American family.
As commonly known, the Korean War (1950-53) orphaned thousands of lostchildren and ``G.I. babies" found themselves out on the streets. Hencesince 1955, the Holt International Children's Services and other groupshave placed about 150,000 (out of 200,000) Korean children into Americanhomes. It started when Harry and Bertha Holt, a devout Christian couplefrom Oregon, became concerned for their fate ― after watching adocumentary about their plight ― and lobbied Congress for the passage ofthe Holt bill. As a result they adopted eight Korean children in 1955when international adoptions were virtually unheard of. The children'sarrival garnered media attention, and prompted American familiesnationwide to seek Korean children.
But what trended as a result of war and poverty morphed into a systemthat remained even after economic conditions ameliorated. Social normsof Korea's traditional society emphasized paternal family ties,bloodlines, and homogeneity; therefore biracial or fatherless childrenwere not easily accepted, and the stigma associated with singlemotherhood forced many women to abandon their offspring. Most families(who secretly adopted) chose babies under a month old to pass them offas their own. The concept of ``open adoption'' with sharing informationbetween birth and adoptive families is still an unconventional practicein Korea.
Nonetheless ― and perhaps inspired by to the likes of Madonna andAngelina Jolie who have 'flaunted' their adopted children from Africaand South Asia on the front cover of national tabloid magazines ― Koreansociety is warming up to the idea of adoption. Each year when thecharity photo exhibition titled ``Letters from Angels'' features starsposing with babies available for adoption, almost all of them areadopted. More than 80 celebrities and 150 babies have been photographedsince 2003 to promote awareness.
The US Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting Systemapproximates there are 510,000 children in foster care (who aretemporarily placed in foster homes, group homes, emergency shelters,residential facilities, pre-adoptive homes and with relatives). The goodnews is that 70 percent of the children leave the system to be reunitedwith their families or permanently placed with relatives, mostly inless than one year.
The foster care system is not a silver bullet: there are still 114,000children in the U.S. waiting to be adopted from foster care, with 20,000children turning 18 annually and no longer eligible. Nevertheless, Iagree ``a family within the country, preferably a relative, should besought before international families'' as dictated by theUNICEF-inspired Hague Convention on Inter-country Adoption, and theKorean government should concurrently adopt a better foster care systemto prop up its efforts to cease international adoption from Korea inaddition to enforcing the domestic Adoption Promotion Law (2009) andother effective means.
Clearly, it is easy to respond numbly and view these figures as merestatistics. But the silent tears of the orphans and grief of the parentswho cannot indulge, or let alone care for, their beloved offspring onChildren's Day should compel us to coalesce in tackling the roots of theproblems that cause the vicious cycles that make orphans out ofinnocent children.
In a perfect world, children would stay with their biological parents,and remain connected to their roots. Neither adoption nor foster carewill solve the underlying issues of war, poverty, disease, famine, andneglect. But each of the 2.2 billion children is precious and deserves aplace where they can call home.
Hannah Kim is a 2009 master's graduate at the George WashingtonUniversity Graduate School of Political Management, specializing inlegislative affairs. She spearheaded the passage of the ``Korean WarVeterans Recognition Act, U.S. Public Law 111-41," which was signed byPresident Obama on July 27, 2009. She can be reached at hkim@remember727.org.
Dummifying the Future Generation
Hello All,
Wow, today... I finally took a nap during the afternoon. The last few weeks of my life have been so hectic... starting the cafe business, crazy busy at my regular job, and well, life in general. I don't know if I am coming or going... sleeping or awake... what day of the week it is... what hour of the day... and FORGET about making it to the bathroom as regularly as I should! I am NOT kidding! I haven't had any accidents yet but man, oh man... not sure what I do is good for my health.
Anyway... it is amazing how invigoration a new challenge can be as exhausting as it has been too. It has kept my mind out of the skeleton closet and other negative things I could be focusing on and so as strange as it might seem, I've gotten some therapy out of the madness!
Well, I just wanted to put my thoughts on paper about one of the biggest concerns I have, not only as a parent, but as a human being... and one who will grow old in this future society (OR NOT according to 2012). I have always been blessed with the ability to remember things on sight. Some people call it a photographic memory... some call it luck, smarts... I call it convenient and vitally necessary. If I could not remember the facts and figures of my everyday comings and goings... I would go crazy. I often cannot delete anything from my mind. If I see, hear, or have been taught something... it takes a very long time to "discard" the info and it stays locked up in my database for quite some time. For instance, when I was young, I had to constantly fill our paperwork for my parents, at the SSN office, at the Bank, at the DMV, at the INS... just about every government office there existed. Back then, there were no computers. The best technology were faxes and so most things had to be brought in to the office to be handled and so since I spoke English, I got to do everything for my parents. FUN! I really got to know what people who work for Government offices were like at a very young age. And even then, they pissed me off!!! Excuse my French. Anyway, to this day, I still remember all of their info in my head. I can't seem to delete and or purge them out of my head. ON top of that, I remember my info, my children's, and my husband's. I remember most everyone's phone numbers by heart, but lately I've realized something... if I instantly program them without first glancing at the number... I have no idea. WOW! This is a first! You see, when I write a phone number down... I typically can "see" the paper and what is written on it... if I punched the number in myself at least once or twice, I remember the number. But when I just program from the first call... I do not know what it is. This scares me. NOT that I have to remember EVERY contact's info in my phone, but what if? I hear people end up in accidents or jail without access to their belongings (wallets, cell phones, etc) and they literally do not know one number off the top of their heads to call! This wouldn't happen to me, but what about my children? Thank the Lord that most of them have my acute sense of memory... so we may, as a whole... never encounter any issues with this. And my husband cannot, to save his life, remember most people's numbers. So basically, through technology, we no longer have to know how to spell, write, calculate, or remember anything, EVER. Through spell check, everything is corrected. Through text messages, complete words are no longer in existence, LOL or SMH. Took me a while to catch on but even I am guilty of it now. And through Excel and other accounting features on line with our banks, we no longer have to balance a checkbook. AND of course, with cell phones which are ironically called smart phones now, we no longer need to remember dates, events, or numbers. They are getting smarter and we are getting dumber... bottom line. I just recently saw the movie "Surrogates" and "Gamer" in which we are still supposed to be the "OPERATOR" within the society... but not actually going to do any of the "dirty" work and always look great doing it. But I don't know... it was refreshing to see Bruce Willis as his handsome, aging, and ever balding self than that plastic replica of himself at the beginning of the movie that he portrayed.
All of the biggest technological inventions created by man- the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness. ~Mark Kennedy
Love,
Me
Wow, today... I finally took a nap during the afternoon. The last few weeks of my life have been so hectic... starting the cafe business, crazy busy at my regular job, and well, life in general. I don't know if I am coming or going... sleeping or awake... what day of the week it is... what hour of the day... and FORGET about making it to the bathroom as regularly as I should! I am NOT kidding! I haven't had any accidents yet but man, oh man... not sure what I do is good for my health.
Anyway... it is amazing how invigoration a new challenge can be as exhausting as it has been too. It has kept my mind out of the skeleton closet and other negative things I could be focusing on and so as strange as it might seem, I've gotten some therapy out of the madness!
Well, I just wanted to put my thoughts on paper about one of the biggest concerns I have, not only as a parent, but as a human being... and one who will grow old in this future society (OR NOT according to 2012). I have always been blessed with the ability to remember things on sight. Some people call it a photographic memory... some call it luck, smarts... I call it convenient and vitally necessary. If I could not remember the facts and figures of my everyday comings and goings... I would go crazy. I often cannot delete anything from my mind. If I see, hear, or have been taught something... it takes a very long time to "discard" the info and it stays locked up in my database for quite some time. For instance, when I was young, I had to constantly fill our paperwork for my parents, at the SSN office, at the Bank, at the DMV, at the INS... just about every government office there existed. Back then, there were no computers. The best technology were faxes and so most things had to be brought in to the office to be handled and so since I spoke English, I got to do everything for my parents. FUN! I really got to know what people who work for Government offices were like at a very young age. And even then, they pissed me off!!! Excuse my French. Anyway, to this day, I still remember all of their info in my head. I can't seem to delete and or purge them out of my head. ON top of that, I remember my info, my children's, and my husband's. I remember most everyone's phone numbers by heart, but lately I've realized something... if I instantly program them without first glancing at the number... I have no idea. WOW! This is a first! You see, when I write a phone number down... I typically can "see" the paper and what is written on it... if I punched the number in myself at least once or twice, I remember the number. But when I just program from the first call... I do not know what it is. This scares me. NOT that I have to remember EVERY contact's info in my phone, but what if? I hear people end up in accidents or jail without access to their belongings (wallets, cell phones, etc) and they literally do not know one number off the top of their heads to call! This wouldn't happen to me, but what about my children? Thank the Lord that most of them have my acute sense of memory... so we may, as a whole... never encounter any issues with this. And my husband cannot, to save his life, remember most people's numbers. So basically, through technology, we no longer have to know how to spell, write, calculate, or remember anything, EVER. Through spell check, everything is corrected. Through text messages, complete words are no longer in existence, LOL or SMH. Took me a while to catch on but even I am guilty of it now. And through Excel and other accounting features on line with our banks, we no longer have to balance a checkbook. AND of course, with cell phones which are ironically called smart phones now, we no longer need to remember dates, events, or numbers. They are getting smarter and we are getting dumber... bottom line. I just recently saw the movie "Surrogates" and "Gamer" in which we are still supposed to be the "OPERATOR" within the society... but not actually going to do any of the "dirty" work and always look great doing it. But I don't know... it was refreshing to see Bruce Willis as his handsome, aging, and ever balding self than that plastic replica of himself at the beginning of the movie that he portrayed.
All of the biggest technological inventions created by man- the airplane, the automobile, the computer - says little about his intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness. ~Mark Kennedy
Love,
Me
Tyler Perry's message
I thought this was worth sharing...something from one of my favorite people right now!
"I was looking through my personal photo album the other day, and I ran across some pictures of my mother from last year. I was looking at her face in these pictures... she was so happy. I had asked her to take a walk with me, as I was trying to get her to do a little exercise. She was so tired since she had just come in from dialysis, but whenever I asked her to do something she would always put on a smile and try it.
She and I walked very slowly up her driveway. She was laboring but still so happy.
She was telling me how much she loved her house and how thankful she was.
She said she never would have imagined being able to live in such a fine house (her words). She said she always wanted to know what it was like to live like Mrs. Chancellor (from "The Young and the Restless") and wondered what it would be like to have a maid and "now I know" she said.
We laughed about that for a second and then I asked her how that made her feel... she quickly said "loved." So, as I looked at that picture, I thought about that moment with tears in my eyes and I began to get really sad. Then I looked down at the bottom of the picture and saw the date, it was January 4th 2009.
I asked myself this question, if someone had told me that by the same time next year she would have passed, would I have any regrets? I thought about it for a few seconds and I can honestly say that I have no regrets.
With that thought, I felt the greatest sense of peace come over me. I have no regrets. That is the best feeling. I know that I did everything in my power for her. I can truly say there is not one thing I would change. I didn't realize how much of a blessing that was until I thought about it.
I want to ask you that question today. Think about this...if I said to you, by this time next year, someone you love the most will not be here, would you have any regrets?
What a thought, right?
We waste so much time on petty grievances and arguments, being angry about things that don't really matter. If I can tell you anything, it would be to fix the things you have done wrong. We live in so much fear by not telling the people we love how much they mean to us, or never even revealing to them that we love them.
You don't want something to happen to the person you love and not have had to have a chance to fix it. Or, for something to happen and you let that person go to the grave not knowing they were truly loved. The guilt can be overwhelming.
So take some time today to mend some fences and make peace. Give some love and get some love. Even if you try and the other person doesn't want to hear it, you will rest better knowing that you tried to fix it, that you tried to share it. Just knowing you tried, period, is enough to give you peace.
This life is short and no man knows the day or the hour."
--Tyler Perry
"I was looking through my personal photo album the other day, and I ran across some pictures of my mother from last year. I was looking at her face in these pictures... she was so happy. I had asked her to take a walk with me, as I was trying to get her to do a little exercise. She was so tired since she had just come in from dialysis, but whenever I asked her to do something she would always put on a smile and try it.
She and I walked very slowly up her driveway. She was laboring but still so happy.
She was telling me how much she loved her house and how thankful she was.
She said she never would have imagined being able to live in such a fine house (her words). She said she always wanted to know what it was like to live like Mrs. Chancellor (from "The Young and the Restless") and wondered what it would be like to have a maid and "now I know" she said.
We laughed about that for a second and then I asked her how that made her feel... she quickly said "loved." So, as I looked at that picture, I thought about that moment with tears in my eyes and I began to get really sad. Then I looked down at the bottom of the picture and saw the date, it was January 4th 2009.
I asked myself this question, if someone had told me that by the same time next year she would have passed, would I have any regrets? I thought about it for a few seconds and I can honestly say that I have no regrets.
With that thought, I felt the greatest sense of peace come over me. I have no regrets. That is the best feeling. I know that I did everything in my power for her. I can truly say there is not one thing I would change. I didn't realize how much of a blessing that was until I thought about it.
I want to ask you that question today. Think about this...if I said to you, by this time next year, someone you love the most will not be here, would you have any regrets?
What a thought, right?
We waste so much time on petty grievances and arguments, being angry about things that don't really matter. If I can tell you anything, it would be to fix the things you have done wrong. We live in so much fear by not telling the people we love how much they mean to us, or never even revealing to them that we love them.
You don't want something to happen to the person you love and not have had to have a chance to fix it. Or, for something to happen and you let that person go to the grave not knowing they were truly loved. The guilt can be overwhelming.
So take some time today to mend some fences and make peace. Give some love and get some love. Even if you try and the other person doesn't want to hear it, you will rest better knowing that you tried to fix it, that you tried to share it. Just knowing you tried, period, is enough to give you peace.
This life is short and no man knows the day or the hour."
--Tyler Perry
I am not a typical woman... but yet I am.
Hello All,
I am not your typical woman, but yet, I am. Like any other woman, I am vulnerable, I am sometimes insecure, and I feel weak. But understand this... I am only vulnerable when it comes to my loved ones, I am only insecure when it comes to providing for my loved ones, and I am weak when I know that my body may not take very much more... which means I may not be able to do as much for my loved ones. Other than this, I am not your typical woman. I am a woman of my word (and character), of strength (through God), and of perseverance (for my loved ones). I take my obligations and duties at work seriously, my responsibilities and duties as a parent seriously, and of course, as a human and Christian seriously... my faith in God makes me strong where I am weak, every day. I wake up crippled and walk around feeling only about 30% well but yet, something inside makes me strong and prompts me to continue forward every day. To strive for more each day, to reach all my goals and objectives, and to meet all my own expectations ( I am my own worst critic). I am not greedy and do not want to get rich quick (although I'd love to hit the jackpot or lotto), I know that is not what God put in my path. He enables me when I work for it. He helps me when I help myself. He guides me when I am lost, and He holds me when I am weak and tired. I want to help everyone I can around me but I've also realized that this is impossible to do. I have to help those that I can but I will run out of the means to help everyone, and soon. BUT it is incredibly important to me to try. Even if there is only disappointment to follow my act of good will... I have to know that I tried. That makes me who I am. And you know what, I might learn from that and move forward, or I might do it again. Until I know that I've exhausted all avenues to help someone I care about and love, it's hard for me to move on. BUT once I've had it, I've had it. I will not look back and I will not put myself in the way of their recklessness again.
I have many more stories to share... of my past filled with abuse, heartbreak, and despair. But I am thankful that I am still in existence and live to tell the tales. Writing also makes me vulnerable... because it tears open cracks to my soul, spirit, and being. But there is a sense of calm and peace to my being able to write my thoughts on paper. It brings me pleasure to know that someone can learn from or relate to my experiences and how I've overcome the many obstacles laid along my path to the present. While I struggle to maintain my life on a daily basis, I also struggle at closing chapters in my life. But I've realized that I cannot close these chapters without writing about them and reading each out loud. Once that has happened, I can move on. ONLY then, can I move forward.
Stay tuned for more to come!
Love,
Me
I am not your typical woman, but yet, I am. Like any other woman, I am vulnerable, I am sometimes insecure, and I feel weak. But understand this... I am only vulnerable when it comes to my loved ones, I am only insecure when it comes to providing for my loved ones, and I am weak when I know that my body may not take very much more... which means I may not be able to do as much for my loved ones. Other than this, I am not your typical woman. I am a woman of my word (and character), of strength (through God), and of perseverance (for my loved ones). I take my obligations and duties at work seriously, my responsibilities and duties as a parent seriously, and of course, as a human and Christian seriously... my faith in God makes me strong where I am weak, every day. I wake up crippled and walk around feeling only about 30% well but yet, something inside makes me strong and prompts me to continue forward every day. To strive for more each day, to reach all my goals and objectives, and to meet all my own expectations ( I am my own worst critic). I am not greedy and do not want to get rich quick (although I'd love to hit the jackpot or lotto), I know that is not what God put in my path. He enables me when I work for it. He helps me when I help myself. He guides me when I am lost, and He holds me when I am weak and tired. I want to help everyone I can around me but I've also realized that this is impossible to do. I have to help those that I can but I will run out of the means to help everyone, and soon. BUT it is incredibly important to me to try. Even if there is only disappointment to follow my act of good will... I have to know that I tried. That makes me who I am. And you know what, I might learn from that and move forward, or I might do it again. Until I know that I've exhausted all avenues to help someone I care about and love, it's hard for me to move on. BUT once I've had it, I've had it. I will not look back and I will not put myself in the way of their recklessness again.
I have many more stories to share... of my past filled with abuse, heartbreak, and despair. But I am thankful that I am still in existence and live to tell the tales. Writing also makes me vulnerable... because it tears open cracks to my soul, spirit, and being. But there is a sense of calm and peace to my being able to write my thoughts on paper. It brings me pleasure to know that someone can learn from or relate to my experiences and how I've overcome the many obstacles laid along my path to the present. While I struggle to maintain my life on a daily basis, I also struggle at closing chapters in my life. But I've realized that I cannot close these chapters without writing about them and reading each out loud. Once that has happened, I can move on. ONLY then, can I move forward.
Stay tuned for more to come!
Love,
Me
My First Independent Business!!!
Hello all,
Sorry I haven't written in so long. I have been putting together a business (on top of my 12 hour days at the office) on the side for my "Family" to run. I decided to buy the business across the courtyard from my office and to promote my "other" son's mom's baking. I want to make her the next Mrs. Field's!!! She so deserves the chance as she has struggled for way too long given the talent and skills that God has provided her. She is absolutely one of, if not the best, baker I've ever known. NOTHING I've tasted from her has been ever to my disliking. So, not only will I run a small cafe (with a few friends and family members helping out), but I will also make her famous and rich in the process! I just want my return on my initial investment... WOO HOO, was that and continues to be alot!
Anyway, tomorrow is my grand opening and I will be super busy... but I know and feel in my heart that all is in God's plan for me. I will share some of the amazing things that happened to me during this whole ordeal.
Love,
Me
Sorry I haven't written in so long. I have been putting together a business (on top of my 12 hour days at the office) on the side for my "Family" to run. I decided to buy the business across the courtyard from my office and to promote my "other" son's mom's baking. I want to make her the next Mrs. Field's!!!
She so deserves the chance as she has struggled for way too long given the talent and skills that God has provided her. She is absolutely one of, if not the best, baker I've ever known. NOTHING I've tasted from her has been ever to my disliking. So, not only will I run a small cafe (with a few friends and family members helping out), but I will also make her famous and rich in the process! I just want my return on my initial investment... WOO HOO, was that and continues to be alot! Anyway, tomorrow is my grand opening and I will be super busy... but I know and feel in my heart that all is in God's plan for me. I will share some of the amazing things that happened to me during this whole ordeal.
Love,
Me
it was a heartbreak,not a heart attack!
Hello,
So as I continue to pen my thoughts and stories, and try and recollect some of the good memories along with the bad, I am overwhelmed with memories of growing up with very little emotional connection with two alcoholic parents who cared about money and success more than anything else. Some might call this achievement but what they achieved was nothing in the end... and all they accomplished was making me feel "invisible" within a completely dysfunctional family system. I only share this with you because some of the pain that surfaces with these difficult memories are an important reflection of who I am today and what values are important to me within my family circle and system. As a child, I found connection and validation through academics and was skipped twice to graduate 2 years ahead of my peers. But following high school, my controlling mother would not allow me to attend school out of state even though I had been accepted into Princeton, Stanford, and NYU. She wanted for me to attend UCLA and stay at home. This was a choice I could not accept so as a child of 16, I left with the clothes on my back and never looked back (well, except once... but that was a brief stay and another story). Living on the cold and dangerous streets of Hollywood was better than living in a cold and cruel home in Hancock Park. I preferred, at the time, to prove myself worthy of love. And of course, I looked for it and found it in some very wrong people and places. Again, another story. But looking back, I realize now that all I wanted was a warm, genuine hug and kiss... and to hear the words I hardly ever heard from my parents, "We love you".
I believe what I recently experienced was not symptoms of a heart attack but symptoms of heart break. Life will always present challenges and bring us to our knees... and no one ever said life was going to be easy... but for me, truly... the people in it have made it so much more difficult than it needed to be. Every one of my life events were meant to be growing experiences for me and every wrong or bad turn presented times of incredible positive changes... but sometimes it is overwhelming and I am human. If I didn't eventually find faith in God and He didn't empower me with the courage, strength, and guidance, I would have and could still slip into a place of perpetual darkness. My children have always been my light and my armor against the world and its obstacles, and before them, my perseverance and unwillingness to give up on anything I laid hands on were what kept me going. There were positives and negatives to this... I excelled at everything I attempted to succeed at (studying, business, parental goals and achievements) but also didn't know when to walk away and accept failures in several relationships gone bad.
Growing up physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred and abused also led me to react and retaliate outside of the home in violence and the unwillingness to be pushed around by anyone... ANYONE. Guy, girl, one, two, three, four... it didn't matter... I was down to fight anyone or everyone that wanted a piece of me. Most times I won, but when the odds (in numbers and or sex) was against me, I lost... but beaten, battered, and bruised, I was still better off than helpless. Or at least that is what my young mind thought... it took me years to control that part of my behavior. I had to accept that part of growing up and maturing was to just walk away. But boy do I have stories to share with you before that revelation hit me!
I recently gave up on a lot of people around me that I truly felt I needed to be there for... and it hurts. It broke my heart into pieces and shattered my very inner soul and being. But within the emptiness, I also feel that a great deal of weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Burdens, guilt, and a whole bunch of just hopelessness that I've been lugging around lately has just seemed to dissipate as I resolved to move forward in my life and leave some very important people behind for now. Perhaps one day, my sense of obligation will encourage me to go back and make amends but for now, I need to be where I am. I need to be who I am for those that are most important to me. My God, my children, my husband, and my true friends and family that give back whenever and however they can. They are important to me and my life right at this moment. And I need to focus on that. Oh, and on me too... when I get the chance or time to.
Well, that's it for now...
Love,
Me
So as I continue to pen my thoughts and stories, and try and recollect some of the good memories along with the bad, I am overwhelmed with memories of growing up with very little emotional connection with two alcoholic parents who cared about money and success more than anything else. Some might call this achievement but what they achieved was nothing in the end... and all they accomplished was making me feel "invisible" within a completely dysfunctional family system. I only share this with you because some of the pain that surfaces with these difficult memories are an important reflection of who I am today and what values are important to me within my family circle and system. As a child, I found connection and validation through academics and was skipped twice to graduate 2 years ahead of my peers. But following high school, my controlling mother would not allow me to attend school out of state even though I had been accepted into Princeton, Stanford, and NYU. She wanted for me to attend UCLA and stay at home. This was a choice I could not accept so as a child of 16, I left with the clothes on my back and never looked back (well, except once... but that was a brief stay and another story). Living on the cold and dangerous streets of Hollywood was better than living in a cold and cruel home in Hancock Park. I preferred, at the time, to prove myself worthy of love. And of course, I looked for it and found it in some very wrong people and places. Again, another story. But looking back, I realize now that all I wanted was a warm, genuine hug and kiss... and to hear the words I hardly ever heard from my parents, "We love you".
I believe what I recently experienced was not symptoms of a heart attack but symptoms of heart break. Life will always present challenges and bring us to our knees... and no one ever said life was going to be easy... but for me, truly... the people in it have made it so much more difficult than it needed to be. Every one of my life events were meant to be growing experiences for me and every wrong or bad turn presented times of incredible positive changes... but sometimes it is overwhelming and I am human. If I didn't eventually find faith in God and He didn't empower me with the courage, strength, and guidance, I would have and could still slip into a place of perpetual darkness. My children have always been my light and my armor against the world and its obstacles, and before them, my perseverance and unwillingness to give up on anything I laid hands on were what kept me going. There were positives and negatives to this... I excelled at everything I attempted to succeed at (studying, business, parental goals and achievements) but also didn't know when to walk away and accept failures in several relationships gone bad.
Growing up physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred and abused also led me to react and retaliate outside of the home in violence and the unwillingness to be pushed around by anyone... ANYONE. Guy, girl, one, two, three, four... it didn't matter... I was down to fight anyone or everyone that wanted a piece of me. Most times I won, but when the odds (in numbers and or sex) was against me, I lost... but beaten, battered, and bruised, I was still better off than helpless. Or at least that is what my young mind thought... it took me years to control that part of my behavior. I had to accept that part of growing up and maturing was to just walk away. But boy do I have stories to share with you before that revelation hit me!
I recently gave up on a lot of people around me that I truly felt I needed to be there for... and it hurts. It broke my heart into pieces and shattered my very inner soul and being. But within the emptiness, I also feel that a great deal of weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Burdens, guilt, and a whole bunch of just hopelessness that I've been lugging around lately has just seemed to dissipate as I resolved to move forward in my life and leave some very important people behind for now. Perhaps one day, my sense of obligation will encourage me to go back and make amends but for now, I need to be where I am. I need to be who I am for those that are most important to me. My God, my children, my husband, and my true friends and family that give back whenever and however they can. They are important to me and my life right at this moment. And I need to focus on that. Oh, and on me too... when I get the chance or time to.
Well, that's it for now...
Love,
Me
Just be TRUE
Hello,
I just don't get people that are not true. To others and to themselves. Why spend time kidding yourself of who you really are when you are who you are? Unless you accept the truth about yourself, you have no business judging anyone else, as far as I am concerned. If there is anything about me that my true friends know... it is that I can hardly keep my mouth shut when I don't like someone and I really would rather not deal with them. PERIOD. I am courteous, but not fake. I won't small talk with you if I don't like you... I won't invite you over if I don't like you, I won't act like I like you when I don't. PERIOD. There is not enough time in this world to love those you love, let alone be fake with those you don't like. I would rather spend my extra time (if I had any) with a colony of lepers than fake people. I cannot stand when someone is not true. And the worst part is, they are only hurting themselves and selling themselves short because everyone else around them knows who they are. People, please just take a look in the mirror and really SEE who you are. I do every day. And I am not perfect but I truly know and accept my weaknesses and work on strengthening them. But the point is, I see, realize, acknowledge, and am aware of my weaknesses. SOME people just DON'T! Or maybe they just CAN'T. I don't know. But I really feel sorry for them. It doesn't matter what you wear, how you look, what you drive, where you live... just be TRUE about who you are. That's what matters in the end, nothing more, nothing less. I want a HUGE crowd at my funeral, but I want them to come because they TRULY loved me and will miss me, not because they feel they have to! Jeez... what kind of life is that? I love people... I am a very social butterfly and for whatever reason, as brutally honest as I can be to people, I am well liked by many. NOT by all, but many. That's the kind of life and legacy I want to leave behind. I want people to know the REAL me... not who I wanted to be or who I acted like being. If I don't like who I am, how do I expect anyone else to like me? I am a straight shooter and I am very black and white. As an adult, I cannot always choose to be around only those I like, but I am true about it. Like I said, I won't be rude but I won't waste my breath, energy, or time on anyone I don't like. You all know who you are... hahaha! Just kidding.
Insecurity is the root of many evils and this is definitely a character trait of these people that are UNTRUE. How can you be true to anyone else if you can't be true to yourself first? Don't you deserve that? Come on people, don't do it for me, do it for yourself!
Love,
Me
I just don't get people that are not true. To others and to themselves. Why spend time kidding yourself of who you really are when you are who you are? Unless you accept the truth about yourself, you have no business judging anyone else, as far as I am concerned. If there is anything about me that my true friends know... it is that I can hardly keep my mouth shut when I don't like someone and I really would rather not deal with them. PERIOD. I am courteous, but not fake. I won't small talk with you if I don't like you... I won't invite you over if I don't like you, I won't act like I like you when I don't. PERIOD. There is not enough time in this world to love those you love, let alone be fake with those you don't like. I would rather spend my extra time (if I had any) with a colony of lepers than fake people. I cannot stand when someone is not true. And the worst part is, they are only hurting themselves and selling themselves short because everyone else around them knows who they are. People, please just take a look in the mirror and really SEE who you are. I do every day. And I am not perfect but I truly know and accept my weaknesses and work on strengthening them. But the point is, I see, realize, acknowledge, and am aware of my weaknesses. SOME people just DON'T! Or maybe they just CAN'T. I don't know. But I really feel sorry for them. It doesn't matter what you wear, how you look, what you drive, where you live... just be TRUE about who you are. That's what matters in the end, nothing more, nothing less. I want a HUGE crowd at my funeral, but I want them to come because they TRULY loved me and will miss me, not because they feel they have to! Jeez... what kind of life is that? I love people... I am a very social butterfly and for whatever reason, as brutally honest as I can be to people, I am well liked by many. NOT by all, but many. That's the kind of life and legacy I want to leave behind. I want people to know the REAL me... not who I wanted to be or who I acted like being. If I don't like who I am, how do I expect anyone else to like me? I am a straight shooter and I am very black and white. As an adult, I cannot always choose to be around only those I like, but I am true about it. Like I said, I won't be rude but I won't waste my breath, energy, or time on anyone I don't like. You all know who you are... hahaha! Just kidding.
Insecurity is the root of many evils and this is definitely a character trait of these people that are UNTRUE. How can you be true to anyone else if you can't be true to yourself first? Don't you deserve that? Come on people, don't do it for me, do it for yourself!
Love,
Me
Coming to America & my life - chapter 2
Hey there,
Okay, so where was I? Oh, so there were some good times, here's a funny memory I have staying with my uncle and aunt and cousin. When we first arrived in the US, we stayed with my uncle and family in a small apt off of Norton Avenue. My uncle always had a wild imagination, so he would always tell us these wild stories of certain things... but his favorite story was about Big Foot... he came to America many years before the rest of us came, so he claims that in one of his previous residences, he ran into BIG FOOT ransacking his refrigerator... can't remember exactly the part about how he wasn't harmed in the process, but I think it had something to do with offering him a big piece of steak or something. Anyway, I'm not sure if he actually ran into him or he was just using this as our "boogie man". Anyway, one day, my cousin and I were home alone... we were probably like 5/6 years old... oh, and just so you know, my parents generation of Koreans did not believe in babysitters. It doesn't matter how old you are, you just stayed put and still while the adults are away. So anyway, my uncle left to take care of something and left us youngsters at home, alone. AND all of a sudden, we heard the most Gawd-Awful scratching and banging noise at our front door. My cousin and I took one look at the shaking door and we ran into the hall bathroom and locked ourselves in. Now the front door was an OLD HEAVY wooden/metal type door and whatever was on the other side was really BIG! Anyway, we're in the bathroom, which was located at the end of a hallway that had a toy trunk where my cousin's toys were... and so we hear all these toys being tossed around, cuz by now, whatever this THING was is INSIDE the apartment with us! And then the knob of the bathroom starts to rattle and the banging again at the door of the bathroom... which even thinking about it now, couldn't have been very thick or strong to keep the THING out for long! I mean, it made it through the front door, right??? I remembered praying ( I wasn't Christian then) but boy did I pray and make a pact with God that if he kept me safe, I'd never do anything bad again! Okay, well, not that I've kept that pact, but as suddenly as the whole thing started, it abruptly ended. But we weren't taking any chances so we kept our butts inside the bathroom until we finally heard my uncle's voice on the other side of the door (about another 3-5 minutes). When we told him what happened, we were both in tears and then we checked out the front door and it was seriously clawed up! BUT, I do remember a strange twinkle in his eyes and some amusement on his face as he heard us out... so I am not sure if he was just messing with us himself. I've really never known my uncle to have that sort of sense of humor, but then again... he did have a strange mean streak in him so maybe it was him scaring the bejeezuz out of us! I will never know. Chances are, he wouldn't even fess up to it now.
Love,
Me
Okay, so where was I? Oh, so there were some good times, here's a funny memory I have staying with my uncle and aunt and cousin. When we first arrived in the US, we stayed with my uncle and family in a small apt off of Norton Avenue. My uncle always had a wild imagination, so he would always tell us these wild stories of certain things... but his favorite story was about Big Foot... he came to America many years before the rest of us came, so he claims that in one of his previous residences, he ran into BIG FOOT ransacking his refrigerator... can't remember exactly the part about how he wasn't harmed in the process, but I think it had something to do with offering him a big piece of steak or something. Anyway, I'm not sure if he actually ran into him or he was just using this as our "boogie man". Anyway, one day, my cousin and I were home alone... we were probably like 5/6 years old... oh, and just so you know, my parents generation of Koreans did not believe in babysitters. It doesn't matter how old you are, you just stayed put and still while the adults are away. So anyway, my uncle left to take care of something and left us youngsters at home, alone. AND all of a sudden, we heard the most Gawd-Awful scratching and banging noise at our front door. My cousin and I took one look at the shaking door and we ran into the hall bathroom and locked ourselves in. Now the front door was an OLD HEAVY wooden/metal type door and whatever was on the other side was really BIG! Anyway, we're in the bathroom, which was located at the end of a hallway that had a toy trunk where my cousin's toys were... and so we hear all these toys being tossed around, cuz by now, whatever this THING was is INSIDE the apartment with us! And then the knob of the bathroom starts to rattle and the banging again at the door of the bathroom... which even thinking about it now, couldn't have been very thick or strong to keep the THING out for long! I mean, it made it through the front door, right??? I remembered praying ( I wasn't Christian then) but boy did I pray and make a pact with God that if he kept me safe, I'd never do anything bad again!
Okay, well, not that I've kept that pact, but as suddenly as the whole thing started, it abruptly ended. But we weren't taking any chances so we kept our butts inside the bathroom until we finally heard my uncle's voice on the other side of the door (about another 3-5 minutes). When we told him what happened, we were both in tears and then we checked out the front door and it was seriously clawed up! BUT, I do remember a strange twinkle in his eyes and some amusement on his face as he heard us out... so I am not sure if he was just messing with us himself. I've really never known my uncle to have that sort of sense of humor, but then again... he did have a strange mean streak in him so maybe it was him scaring the bejeezuz out of us! I will never know. Chances are, he wouldn't even fess up to it now.Love,
Me
Power of Prayer
Hello all,
I was in so much pain yesterday that I started to cry as I was praying to God to help me with my pains. I was in tears crying to him feeling sorry for myself. But then I started praying for my children, my husband, my parents, my brother, my aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, nieces, nephews, bosses, co workers, employees... and well, by the time I was done, I just made a pact with God that if he could help all of them with their issues, then I would sacrifice my body and would live with the pain in return. I guess that is why I am always in pain! Talk about feeling hopeful and hopeless at the same time. My God constantly challenges me. This is how He strengthens me. One day, He will take me in His loving arms and I will be healed forever.
Love,
Me
I was in so much pain yesterday that I started to cry as I was praying to God to help me with my pains. I was in tears crying to him feeling sorry for myself. But then I started praying for my children, my husband, my parents, my brother, my aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, nieces, nephews, bosses, co workers, employees... and well, by the time I was done, I just made a pact with God that if he could help all of them with their issues, then I would sacrifice my body and would live with the pain in return. I guess that is why I am always in pain! Talk about feeling hopeful and hopeless at the same time. My God constantly challenges me. This is how He strengthens me. One day, He will take me in His loving arms and I will be healed forever.
Love,
Me
Double Standard
Hello Everyone!
Happy Sunday! I have a topic that I have to discuss because it is something that I have to deal with as a mother all the time.
I have been blessed with 2 wonderful sons and 2 beautiful daughters. AND I have an adopted son and a daughter that have been around me like my own for years and years.
But what is interesting to me is that during the course of raising my children, I find myself educating them in different ways. All towards the same outcome; to be upstanding individuals in society... but to achieve it, I see that I go about it in different methods.
Let me explain. With my sons, (especially my eldest), I have always instilled the education of always being respectful, chivalrous, and to never lay a hand on a woman, EVER. I would always make sure to oversee what he watched and was exposed to as a young boy and through his teenage-dom, such as rated R movies where sex was casual and or disrespectful or women were exploited for their bodies. THIS IS HARD WHEN EVERY MAN MOVIE OUT THERE HAS A STRIP CLUB SCENE. I was always careful to explain that all women were beautiful on the outside because every one has t&a, but not all women were beautiful on the inside. I always warned him against how evil women could be... okay, not like the mom on "Waterboy", but you get the point. Most young girls play so many games and put themselves in such horrible positions just to "hook" a guy and as a result, live miserable lives since their own self worth is so low to begin with. This is unfortunately so true of too many young ladies. I want him to find a girl/woman with smarts and sense... and a solid self esteem. One that is super secure of who they are before they find their partner in life. I do not want him to end up with a woman that needs a man in her life just to feel secure and or as a crutch! NO WAY, JOSE!
Now on to my eldest daughter... I allow her to see poignant love stories involving men/women now and always share reality with her. I want her to be strong and independent. I teach her what her inner beauty means to God and everyone else, and teach her that outer beauty (while especially important during her teenage-dom), doesn't always last forever as inner beauty can. I make sure that she is treated respectfully like a lady and that she deserves NO LESS from ANY boy/man. I want her to know that she must first stand on her own two feet before she leans on a man for anything. She must be able to take care of herself as marrying into money and all that other crap is NOT her goal, and not something I wish for her. And foremost, if ever a man laid a hand on her... I'd be serving jail time for quite a while. What happened to me WILL NOT happen to her, EVER. And I will make certain of that.
But even in our own home, we have such double standards as society does. Case in point, if an underage young boy is molested by a hot older chick... it's acceptable and "ooh'd and ahhh'd" about... high 5's and all. But if an underaged young girl is molested by an older man (hot or not), then it is considered a crime and of course, everyone is out for blood. Well, I'm sorry... but as a parent of both girls and boys, #1 - I don't find either to be acceptable... a child is a child is a child. An adult needs to exercise self control over their own actions. It does not matter how the child dresses, looks, or acts... a child is a child is a child. PERIOD.
Society already makes it hard on girls and boys with the tv shows and movies and how girls are "supposed" to act and how boys behaviors are "acceptable". But it is up to the parent(s) in each household to mold the character of their children. Those that have boys should care just as much even though their boys can't get pregnant... and those that have girls should teach them to be responsible for their own actions and not depend on being taken care of simply because a pregnancy happens. If there is not caution being exercised beforehand (and I don't mean the use of birth control or contraceptives) like abstinence and self discipline, then the consequence falls on both parties. After all, just as it takes two to make a baby, it takes two to raise one. Although that is super confusing nowadays with insemination and solo parenting and all... but the whole of a child's inner strength and value is built by the strength and value of the parent(s). This is so important... kids do not raise themselves. They need guidance, structure, discipline, love, care, and protection. All these things make a child wholesome... which then creates a wholesome and great adult. It's bad enough that we live in a world that accepts divorce easier than marriage and denies the very foundation a marriage should be based upon, God. Even though matrimony is supposed to be holy... it seems more that in these days, it is just full of holes to escape whenever convenient. But as parents, we should reinforce what society does not. And I teach my children that marriage vows are to be taken seriously and anything physical between two people should be taken even more seriously as it really is a covenant and it stands for the consummation of the act of marriage and or partnership. I'm not sure that I would easily agree to my children playing house before marrying as that in itself damages the very foundation and structure of marriage. Now I know quite a few people this has worked for... but statistically... according to studies from an older census:
Love,
Me
Happy Sunday! I have a topic that I have to discuss because it is something that I have to deal with as a mother all the time.
I have been blessed with 2 wonderful sons and 2 beautiful daughters. AND I have an adopted son and a daughter that have been around me like my own for years and years.
But what is interesting to me is that during the course of raising my children, I find myself educating them in different ways. All towards the same outcome; to be upstanding individuals in society... but to achieve it, I see that I go about it in different methods.
Let me explain. With my sons, (especially my eldest), I have always instilled the education of always being respectful, chivalrous, and to never lay a hand on a woman, EVER. I would always make sure to oversee what he watched and was exposed to as a young boy and through his teenage-dom, such as rated R movies where sex was casual and or disrespectful or women were exploited for their bodies. THIS IS HARD WHEN EVERY MAN MOVIE OUT THERE HAS A STRIP CLUB SCENE. I was always careful to explain that all women were beautiful on the outside because every one has t&a, but not all women were beautiful on the inside. I always warned him against how evil women could be... okay, not like the mom on "Waterboy", but you get the point. Most young girls play so many games and put themselves in such horrible positions just to "hook" a guy and as a result, live miserable lives since their own self worth is so low to begin with. This is unfortunately so true of too many young ladies. I want him to find a girl/woman with smarts and sense... and a solid self esteem. One that is super secure of who they are before they find their partner in life. I do not want him to end up with a woman that needs a man in her life just to feel secure and or as a crutch! NO WAY, JOSE!
Now on to my eldest daughter... I allow her to see poignant love stories involving men/women now and always share reality with her. I want her to be strong and independent. I teach her what her inner beauty means to God and everyone else, and teach her that outer beauty (while especially important during her teenage-dom), doesn't always last forever as inner beauty can. I make sure that she is treated respectfully like a lady and that she deserves NO LESS from ANY boy/man. I want her to know that she must first stand on her own two feet before she leans on a man for anything. She must be able to take care of herself as marrying into money and all that other crap is NOT her goal, and not something I wish for her. And foremost, if ever a man laid a hand on her... I'd be serving jail time for quite a while. What happened to me WILL NOT happen to her, EVER. And I will make certain of that.
But even in our own home, we have such double standards as society does. Case in point, if an underage young boy is molested by a hot older chick... it's acceptable and "ooh'd and ahhh'd" about... high 5's and all. But if an underaged young girl is molested by an older man (hot or not), then it is considered a crime and of course, everyone is out for blood. Well, I'm sorry... but as a parent of both girls and boys, #1 - I don't find either to be acceptable... a child is a child is a child. An adult needs to exercise self control over their own actions. It does not matter how the child dresses, looks, or acts... a child is a child is a child. PERIOD.
Society already makes it hard on girls and boys with the tv shows and movies and how girls are "supposed" to act and how boys behaviors are "acceptable". But it is up to the parent(s) in each household to mold the character of their children. Those that have boys should care just as much even though their boys can't get pregnant... and those that have girls should teach them to be responsible for their own actions and not depend on being taken care of simply because a pregnancy happens. If there is not caution being exercised beforehand (and I don't mean the use of birth control or contraceptives) like abstinence and self discipline, then the consequence falls on both parties. After all, just as it takes two to make a baby, it takes two to raise one. Although that is super confusing nowadays with insemination and solo parenting and all... but the whole of a child's inner strength and value is built by the strength and value of the parent(s). This is so important... kids do not raise themselves. They need guidance, structure, discipline, love, care, and protection. All these things make a child wholesome... which then creates a wholesome and great adult. It's bad enough that we live in a world that accepts divorce easier than marriage and denies the very foundation a marriage should be based upon, God. Even though matrimony is supposed to be holy... it seems more that in these days, it is just full of holes to escape whenever convenient. But as parents, we should reinforce what society does not. And I teach my children that marriage vows are to be taken seriously and anything physical between two people should be taken even more seriously as it really is a covenant and it stands for the consummation of the act of marriage and or partnership. I'm not sure that I would easily agree to my children playing house before marrying as that in itself damages the very foundation and structure of marriage. Now I know quite a few people this has worked for... but statistically... according to studies from an older census:
Marriage is the Most Popular Union
Of 8.4 million families, 5.9 million (70%) are married couples; 1.3million (16%) are lone-parent; 1.2 million (14%) are common-law partners and34,200 (0.5%) are same-sex partners.
The Census also shows that 68% ofchildren aged 0-14 live with married parents and 13% with common-law parents,while 19% do not live with both parents.
Marriage is More Stable
- while there has been an increase in the break-up of allunions, that common-law unions are generally less stable than marriages. Infact, they are twice as likely to end in separation as marriages.
- If a common-law union does not turn into a marriage, about one-halfdissolve within five years. Even if they eventually marry, they are still morelikely to separate than people who married without first living common-law.
Marriage Provides a More StableSetting for Children
- Children born to a married couple who had not lived together beforemarrying were the least likely (13.6%)to see their parents break up.
- Family breakdown was a fact for a spectacular 63.1% of the children of unmarried, common-law couples.
- Children whose parents had lived common-law but then married (eitherbefore or soon after starting a family) were in an intermediate category.Approximately 25% of these childrenexperienced family breakdown.
Not only are the children of common-law unions at higher risk ofexperiencing family breakdown, but they are also much more likely to see thishappen at an early age often before their second birthday.
We adults have made many mistakes and have played games to an extent and have been hurt by the consequence of these actions, those of our own as well as of others. We should take that experience and help to prevent our children from suffering the same consequences or pain. I don't expect us to live for our children as I do believe that they have to experience certain things for themselves to really learn from it. Otherwise, they resent us for intervening and preventing them from having "fun"... but this is all within an extent. I know and believe this. I believe that God enabled me to experience many awful things in my life so that I can be better prepared to deal with my children and be steps ahead of them. But God also blessed me in not having to put any of that to use yet... what an irony. He works in mysterious ways and you just never know what is in store except just to follow his lead and be prepared for whatever is to come.Love,
Me
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Coming to America & my life - chapter 1
In my life, I've weathered many a storms with violence. It started with the physical fights between my mother and father, and then some fights between uncles and my dad... down to physical abuse, mental abuse, and emotional abuse directed at me as a child. In our culture, there is nothing wrong with hitting your children and everything wrong with loving them too much. At least in my family, it was the culture. At least that is what my mother wanted me to believe. It made her happy to discipline and cause me pain and to belittle me, but she never hugged, kissed, or praised me as a child.
I immigrated to America when I was about 5-6 years old... in the early 70's (maybe 73, maybe 74... not too sure). But I remember the life before getting on the plane to the great land of America. My mother (who was on the right side of the track) met my father (who was on the wrong side of the track) and somehow, thanks to my Aunt (my mother's only surviving brother's wife). I guess she introduced these two completely different creatures together. And for whatever reason, they fell in lust. It couldn't have been love... ever. I don't believe that for a second. Within the year of getting married, I was born. Or at least that is one of the many stories I've heard. My father has been known to twist the story to his lovers by saying that I was born of a prostitute and my father had to marry my mother so that I would have a mother... WHATEVER. In the end, I sound and do look a lot like my mother so I don't and cannot believe it. But when you are a little girl or a teen, you tend to question and doubt the truth. Anyway, I do recall as a 2-3 year old child, being taken to my father'ss girlfriend's house (some condo or apt where she had a little noisy annoying puppy). I was introduced to her and she to me. I still remember my confusion and the pain. And shortly thereafter I was shipped off to my father's mother's house (my paternal grandmother) in Pusan. You see, both my mother and father were well educated university graduates and had prominent jobs in Seoul and lived in Inchon in my mother's home. But also, in Korea, there are a couple of things that one does not realize... for instance, a married woman never changes her name legally... and the last names come first. So my dad's name was and is Yee Choong Koo, but spelled Choong Koo Lee by the Americans that filled out the paperwork. And my mom's name was Byun Young Seng, but spelled Young Saeng Pyon while imigrating and then later changed to Lisa Young Lee when naturalized as an American. My dad kept Choong Koo Lee, I think but I've often heard him being referred to as Chuck, Charlie... whatever. Anyway, the other thing is that in the event of a divorce, kids go with the dad... PERIOD. Mothers had no right to keep the children. At least this was the law then, who knows how long they've come now. But tombstones always have the wife's maiden name on them... that I know is still the case.
Well anyway, my mother shipped me off to my paternal grandmother's shack and supposedly sent money monthly to my grandma and my uncle (my father's youngest brother) to take care of me... you know the basics, food, clothing, etc. My mother and father are really good for that, since that is what they did with my brother to me as well... "here you go, I'll send you money, just take care of him". Only he was a teenager and I was a toddler. I had no clothes in the winter... in the dead of winter in a snowstorm, my mother once found me playing outside with mucous running down to my chin with a summer dress on and not even underwear or socks. In the dead of night, i could not sleep from hunger. My grandmother apparently drank away whatever money was sent for me... this I found out when she was once stuck in a trench she had fell into as she was stumbling home drunk from a local bar.
Eventually, my father and mother decided to give it another try and decided that we needed to move to America, the land of liberty, freedom, and opportunity. So we went through several rip off artists who promised us passports until finally we hit the right one... and about a a year or two later, we were off to America. I remember all the junk food I ate on the long plane ride and throwing up everywhere. I am still not a good flyer... hate to fly actually. Hmmmm. I remember landing in Seattle as the snow was as familiar as what we had left behind... but my uncle picked us up and drove us down to LA. OR did we get on another flight from Seattle (stopover) and we landed in LAX? I just remember the tunnel out of the airport till this day. I remember the lights below when we were landing till this day. Those sort of things stay in our minds forever... and as I get older, I hope that I still remember those details. There are so many things I'd rather not remember but I do, and there are things I wish I could remember, and I just can't.
Once we settled in with my uncle in his place in Los Angeles, it was quite a change of life. I was put into a school where I could not understand anyone... and I got the chickenpox pretty soon there after too. I got my ass kicked for the school calling because I had to be picked up during the working day. GOD FORBID! I also had to deal with life with my uncle, aunt, and younger cousin.. who was especially difficult to get used to. When one day, we were playing and he tricked me into kicking up my leg as he held it and threw me off balance, I cracked my head open on the end of the metal frame of the bed.. and I got my ass kicked for it. Since he was the younger one and I should have known better. Okay, he is only a year younger than me... And we didn't have the money to go to a hospital so they just bandaged me up. I still have that scar. My cousin was right and I was always wrong... according to everyone, especially my aunt, uncle, and cousin... I lied all the time. Hmmmmmmm, I used that to my advantage later though.
Love,
Me
I immigrated to America when I was about 5-6 years old... in the early 70's (maybe 73, maybe 74... not too sure). But I remember the life before getting on the plane to the great land of America. My mother (who was on the right side of the track) met my father (who was on the wrong side of the track) and somehow, thanks to my Aunt (my mother's only surviving brother's wife). I guess she introduced these two completely different creatures together. And for whatever reason, they fell in lust. It couldn't have been love... ever. I don't believe that for a second. Within the year of getting married, I was born. Or at least that is one of the many stories I've heard. My father has been known to twist the story to his lovers by saying that I was born of a prostitute and my father had to marry my mother so that I would have a mother... WHATEVER. In the end, I sound and do look a lot like my mother so I don't and cannot believe it. But when you are a little girl or a teen, you tend to question and doubt the truth. Anyway, I do recall as a 2-3 year old child, being taken to my father'ss girlfriend's house (some condo or apt where she had a little noisy annoying puppy). I was introduced to her and she to me. I still remember my confusion and the pain. And shortly thereafter I was shipped off to my father's mother's house (my paternal grandmother) in Pusan. You see, both my mother and father were well educated university graduates and had prominent jobs in Seoul and lived in Inchon in my mother's home. But also, in Korea, there are a couple of things that one does not realize... for instance, a married woman never changes her name legally... and the last names come first. So my dad's name was and is Yee Choong Koo, but spelled Choong Koo Lee by the Americans that filled out the paperwork. And my mom's name was Byun Young Seng, but spelled Young Saeng Pyon while imigrating and then later changed to Lisa Young Lee when naturalized as an American. My dad kept Choong Koo Lee, I think but I've often heard him being referred to as Chuck, Charlie... whatever. Anyway, the other thing is that in the event of a divorce, kids go with the dad... PERIOD. Mothers had no right to keep the children. At least this was the law then, who knows how long they've come now. But tombstones always have the wife's maiden name on them... that I know is still the case.
Well anyway, my mother shipped me off to my paternal grandmother's shack and supposedly sent money monthly to my grandma and my uncle (my father's youngest brother) to take care of me... you know the basics, food, clothing, etc. My mother and father are really good for that, since that is what they did with my brother to me as well... "here you go, I'll send you money, just take care of him". Only he was a teenager and I was a toddler. I had no clothes in the winter... in the dead of winter in a snowstorm, my mother once found me playing outside with mucous running down to my chin with a summer dress on and not even underwear or socks. In the dead of night, i could not sleep from hunger. My grandmother apparently drank away whatever money was sent for me... this I found out when she was once stuck in a trench she had fell into as she was stumbling home drunk from a local bar.
Eventually, my father and mother decided to give it another try and decided that we needed to move to America, the land of liberty, freedom, and opportunity. So we went through several rip off artists who promised us passports until finally we hit the right one... and about a a year or two later, we were off to America. I remember all the junk food I ate on the long plane ride and throwing up everywhere. I am still not a good flyer... hate to fly actually. Hmmmm. I remember landing in Seattle as the snow was as familiar as what we had left behind... but my uncle picked us up and drove us down to LA. OR did we get on another flight from Seattle (stopover) and we landed in LAX? I just remember the tunnel out of the airport till this day. I remember the lights below when we were landing till this day. Those sort of things stay in our minds forever... and as I get older, I hope that I still remember those details. There are so many things I'd rather not remember but I do, and there are things I wish I could remember, and I just can't.
Once we settled in with my uncle in his place in Los Angeles, it was quite a change of life. I was put into a school where I could not understand anyone... and I got the chickenpox pretty soon there after too. I got my ass kicked for the school calling because I had to be picked up during the working day. GOD FORBID! I also had to deal with life with my uncle, aunt, and younger cousin.. who was especially difficult to get used to. When one day, we were playing and he tricked me into kicking up my leg as he held it and threw me off balance, I cracked my head open on the end of the metal frame of the bed.. and I got my ass kicked for it. Since he was the younger one and I should have known better. Okay, he is only a year younger than me...
And we didn't have the money to go to a hospital so they just bandaged me up. I still have that scar. My cousin was right and I was always wrong... according to everyone, especially my aunt, uncle, and cousin... I lied all the time. Hmmmmmmm, I used that to my advantage later though. Love,
Me
change and acceptance
No one said life was going to be easy... but people make it more complicated. That is truly becoming my motto.
I have lived a life where deceit, betrayal, abuse, disappointments, loss, sadness and devastation has helped to build my character and strength. But I take each of those painful memories and have learned to accept them as valuable life experiences. I truly think that God continues to this day, to sculpt and prepare me for something greater than what I do now. And one of the greatest gifts that He gave to me was the ability to laugh. The ability to laugh at myself, at or with others, and at what this life has dealt me. I have often been told that I have a hearty laugh and everyone seems to be cheered by it. I have had people peek in on me sometimes just to see who the laughter belonged to... not sure if that is a good thing, but I take it as a compliment. Through the sorrows and darkness I've survived in my lifetime, if I didn't have my God, my children, and or my sense of humor, I would not have survived any of it.
But today, instead of focusing on my sad stories, I wanted to talk about change. A person can only change when they see their own flaws. If they don't think that anything is wrong wtih them, then they won't feel the need to change anything. For instance, if you look in the mirror and see a beautiful person looking back at you ( on the outside ), then you're happy with yourself and often times, there won't be a reason to change your looks. Unfortunately, people do not see the value of their own beauty in this society since everyone's perception of beauty is so different than what God intended beauty to be.
But let's examine the flaws within a person's character, trait, or morals. I've decided that when my husband and I argue, I am going to record it. More than proving him wrong, here is why... I feel that sometimes what we say to the other person is not how the person interprets it. If I am trying to get my point across my way but he receives it differently, then he is completely missing the point I am trying to make and well, there goes the whole reason for the argument. AND VICE VERSA. When he tells me something, he may mean something completely different than how it sounded to me! And oftentimes, this leads to more pain, misunderstanding, and frustration. It's like an addict, unless you admit that you have an addiction, you won't feel the need to seek help. Every one of us has character flaws and believe me, most of us do not realize or acknowledge it. But when a loved one points it out to us, we should try and take a look in the "mirror" of our souls and try and view it from the perspective of that person(s). This quality can save or break a relationship.
I know so many beautiful people out there and close to me that suffer from not allowing themselves the pleasures and happiness of life by not really seeing themselves. They deprive themselves by pretending to be someone they are not. They deceives themselves and in the end, they hurt not only themselves, but all others who love and care for them. And eventually end up alone.
As we get older, we hope to get wiser... this is not always the case. We sometimes experience new things as we get older and it is truly how we deal with what we are dealt with that counts. Character counts. Morals count. Principle counts. Ethics count. I want to die a proud and true person. When I pass... I want people to remember that I had flaws and made mistakes along the way... but most importantly, i want to know in my heart and soul, that I learned from them and tried my best to correct them. I want to be remembered for being human... and for my hearty laugh!
Love,
Me
I have lived a life where deceit, betrayal, abuse, disappointments, loss, sadness and devastation has helped to build my character and strength. But I take each of those painful memories and have learned to accept them as valuable life experiences. I truly think that God continues to this day, to sculpt and prepare me for something greater than what I do now. And one of the greatest gifts that He gave to me was the ability to laugh. The ability to laugh at myself, at or with others, and at what this life has dealt me. I have often been told that I have a hearty laugh and everyone seems to be cheered by it. I have had people peek in on me sometimes just to see who the laughter belonged to... not sure if that is a good thing, but I take it as a compliment. Through the sorrows and darkness I've survived in my lifetime, if I didn't have my God, my children, and or my sense of humor, I would not have survived any of it.
But today, instead of focusing on my sad stories, I wanted to talk about change. A person can only change when they see their own flaws. If they don't think that anything is wrong wtih them, then they won't feel the need to change anything. For instance, if you look in the mirror and see a beautiful person looking back at you ( on the outside ), then you're happy with yourself and often times, there won't be a reason to change your looks. Unfortunately, people do not see the value of their own beauty in this society since everyone's perception of beauty is so different than what God intended beauty to be.
But let's examine the flaws within a person's character, trait, or morals. I've decided that when my husband and I argue, I am going to record it. More than proving him wrong, here is why... I feel that sometimes what we say to the other person is not how the person interprets it. If I am trying to get my point across my way but he receives it differently, then he is completely missing the point I am trying to make and well, there goes the whole reason for the argument. AND VICE VERSA. When he tells me something, he may mean something completely different than how it sounded to me! And oftentimes, this leads to more pain, misunderstanding, and frustration. It's like an addict, unless you admit that you have an addiction, you won't feel the need to seek help. Every one of us has character flaws and believe me, most of us do not realize or acknowledge it. But when a loved one points it out to us, we should try and take a look in the "mirror" of our souls and try and view it from the perspective of that person(s). This quality can save or break a relationship.
I know so many beautiful people out there and close to me that suffer from not allowing themselves the pleasures and happiness of life by not really seeing themselves. They deprive themselves by pretending to be someone they are not. They deceives themselves and in the end, they hurt not only themselves, but all others who love and care for them. And eventually end up alone.
As we get older, we hope to get wiser... this is not always the case. We sometimes experience new things as we get older and it is truly how we deal with what we are dealt with that counts. Character counts. Morals count. Principle counts. Ethics count. I want to die a proud and true person. When I pass... I want people to remember that I had flaws and made mistakes along the way... but most importantly, i want to know in my heart and soul, that I learned from them and tried my best to correct them. I want to be remembered for being human... and for my hearty laugh!
Love,
Me
more on infidelity
Okay, just wanted to clarify a few things, I don't want anyone to think that I do not condone trying to make the relationship work after he/she has been unfaithful. I, myself, carried through for 4 years after finding out the truth, trying to make things work, going to counselors, and what not... as the other woman tried to kill herself and him (totally another story to tell on another blog). I found out my ex was cheating on me when I was pregnant with our second child. Let me back up, I had a beautiful daughter and then about 2-3 years later, we found out we were pregnant again, and then I lost the baby (birth by induction) at 6 months. After the loss of a child that I had to birth... it was devastating for me. (I had previously lost after birth already before my eldest was born) so this was not the first time I felt this pain but every time, it feels just as excruciating.
Anyway, during these times, I had just started to find the Lord, and I was sort of upset with him for taking "Gabriel" away from me. But months later, I got pregnant again with Matthew and all was better and my heart was on its way to healing. BUT I should have known when my then husband turned to me to say (instead of being overcome with joy as I had from hearing the news), " Damn, what are you... the queen of fertility?"
So I noticed the pattern and changes in him slowly, gradually, but obviously. When we met, he had just come out of the army and he was a security guard, but as we got closer, I urged him to go to school and while my parents helped fortify his loss of income, he went through a quick course to learn computers and networking... at that time, he could hardly even turn on a computer! I was so proud of him.. and he graduated and got a job at COMPUSA. But he was earning small potatoes (a little more than minimum wage) working in the back repairing stuff, so I hooked him up with the husband of a friend who happened to work as a contractor to TRW, BOEING, DOF, and many other BIG companies. I pushed him to put together a resume and he was able to get a job too soon working for TRW as a contractor. Apparently, there he found himself a cougar older than me who was "suffering from her own divorce as a result of infidelity - her doctor hubby cheated on her and left her for a younger woman" so she used my husband to feel sorry for her and to crawl her way into his crotch. How do I know all this? Well. that is a whole different story and it only gets worse or better, however you decide to see it, from there.
Anyway, for many years, and for the well being of my children, I tried very hard to keep our family together. BUT TO NO AVAIL. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and I could not function and or accept that. I lost myself during that entire ordeal and if it was not for the love of my children and their unconditional love and need for me, I would probably have committed murder and either been in jail and or jumped off of the nearest cliff making a run from the cops! Yea, I have a pretty wild imagination but that was what I truly felt then.
So, again, I don't want to discourage anyone who really thinks that there is hope for a man who says he can change. And I guess there are some men out there who really can think with the right head when it comes to the potential of losing all that they have. Only some though. I've watched my dad keep different women all throughout his marriage to my mother. And on many occasions, I was introduced to them and even had it out with the "other women" if and when needed. I even found one in our home one day when my mother was out of town, can you believe it? I went from that to having boyfriends who weren't exactly on the up and up... but then again, I was always looking in the wrong places and looking for all the wrong guys. Boy, if they wanted me, I ran the other way and was always very mean to them, but if they wanted nothing to do with me (which wasn't often but it happened =)), then I went after them with everything I had and always won the prize, even if it ended up being a black eye or a kick in the ear with a steel toe boot resulting in 13 stitches! Again, many more stories to come. Anyway, I ended up marrying someone who I was attracted to only because he was such a good soul and who I thought I could trust with anything. WELL, what a complete 360 degree turnabout that ended up being!
Anyway, there are more chapters to this story so I will share all in good time, but I wanted to just go back and say that while I do believe in saving a relationship/marriage, especially one that involves children, sometimes, it ends up doing more harm than good for everyone involved. Again, I will elaborate further later.
Love,
Me
Anyway, during these times, I had just started to find the Lord, and I was sort of upset with him for taking "Gabriel" away from me. But months later, I got pregnant again with Matthew and all was better and my heart was on its way to healing. BUT I should have known when my then husband turned to me to say (instead of being overcome with joy as I had from hearing the news), " Damn, what are you... the queen of fertility?"
So I noticed the pattern and changes in him slowly, gradually, but obviously. When we met, he had just come out of the army and he was a security guard, but as we got closer, I urged him to go to school and while my parents helped fortify his loss of income, he went through a quick course to learn computers and networking... at that time, he could hardly even turn on a computer! I was so proud of him.. and he graduated and got a job at COMPUSA. But he was earning small potatoes (a little more than minimum wage) working in the back repairing stuff, so I hooked him up with the husband of a friend who happened to work as a contractor to TRW, BOEING, DOF, and many other BIG companies. I pushed him to put together a resume and he was able to get a job too soon working for TRW as a contractor. Apparently, there he found himself a cougar older than me who was "suffering from her own divorce as a result of infidelity - her doctor hubby cheated on her and left her for a younger woman" so she used my husband to feel sorry for her and to crawl her way into his crotch. How do I know all this? Well. that is a whole different story and it only gets worse or better, however you decide to see it, from there.
Anyway, for many years, and for the well being of my children, I tried very hard to keep our family together. BUT TO NO AVAIL. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and I could not function and or accept that. I lost myself during that entire ordeal and if it was not for the love of my children and their unconditional love and need for me, I would probably have committed murder and either been in jail and or jumped off of the nearest cliff making a run from the cops! Yea, I have a pretty wild imagination but that was what I truly felt then.
So, again, I don't want to discourage anyone who really thinks that there is hope for a man who says he can change. And I guess there are some men out there who really can think with the right head when it comes to the potential of losing all that they have. Only some though. I've watched my dad keep different women all throughout his marriage to my mother. And on many occasions, I was introduced to them and even had it out with the "other women" if and when needed. I even found one in our home one day when my mother was out of town, can you believe it? I went from that to having boyfriends who weren't exactly on the up and up... but then again, I was always looking in the wrong places and looking for all the wrong guys. Boy, if they wanted me, I ran the other way and was always very mean to them, but if they wanted nothing to do with me (which wasn't often but it happened =)), then I went after them with everything I had and always won the prize, even if it ended up being a black eye or a kick in the ear with a steel toe boot resulting in 13 stitches! Again, many more stories to come. Anyway, I ended up marrying someone who I was attracted to only because he was such a good soul and who I thought I could trust with anything. WELL, what a complete 360 degree turnabout that ended up being!
Anyway, there are more chapters to this story so I will share all in good time, but I wanted to just go back and say that while I do believe in saving a relationship/marriage, especially one that involves children, sometimes, it ends up doing more harm than good for everyone involved. Again, I will elaborate further later.
Love,
Me
infidelity
So, I've noticed that every infidelity story is pretty much the same. We find a letter or an email or proof in a call... and then we realize that everything our friends and relatives have been telling us was true. But what fascinates me is that it truly is the same story every time!!!
Once he finds out we know, he slips into denial... either it isn't his fault or we are imagining things, etc, etc, etc! And of course, as women, we burden and carry the guilt around and most often times start doubting ourselves with thoughts like, "What didn't I do right?", "Am I not pretty enough?", "I need to lose weight!", "What's wrong with me?", or "What does she have that I don't, or what can she do that I can't?" UGH!!!
Anyway, once the affair is realized, then we go through these motions:
1.) Was it our fault, did we somehow contribute to the demise of our relationship?
2.) We try and contact the other woman to validate what we already know.
3.) We give the relationship another try just so that we can outdo the other woman and prove to him that we are just as good, if not better!
4.) We try and lose weight, go and get procedures done, and wear sexier clothes just so that he can be attracted to us again.
5.) We degrade ourselves by questioning everything, with where were you, why didn't you answer your phone, what time did you leave work, etc., etc., and etc.
6.) We exhaust ourselves by trying to do everything right and get frustrated when there is proof that he is still up to no good.
7.) We go through roller coasters of emotion: hate, jealousy, rage, hopelessness, helplessness, fatigue, anger, sadness, self pity, lack of self esteem, and basically we lose ourselves in the process.
8.) We engage in an internal battle of keeping him so we win what we think is "the prize" from the other woman, and then wanting him to be as far away from us as possible and hoping that he meets his fate by getting run down by the city bus.
Now, if we have children, this is where it gets hairy for some women... those that lack self esteem and don't know how to fight fair, will often engage in this ugly battle by using the children as weapons. THIS, I will not even get into as it is SO WRONG to let children be used as pawns during this especially hard time for them. EVERY child knows and feels when there is something wrong between his/her parents, no matter what age... and believe me, they have it hard enough... they don't need to be felt abandoned by their dad on top of everything else.
Ladies, listen up... you are worth so much more than this. You are ENTITLED to so much more. Don't devalue your worth because he did. You are beautiful and you deserve to be always treated like a princess/queen. NOW, we all know who we are, if we haven't acted right or treated him as well as we could or should have, then that's on you. And that is something you need to deal with. But so as long as you've done what you were supposed to do, then you owe yourself so much more than this. I don't want to make this one sided as I know there are many men that find themselves at the receiving end of this as well... but men, you have options too. We all have options... and we are all God's children and although He wants us to humble ourselves, He does not want us in relationships that are not according to HIs ways. I know many Christians find themselves struggling to do what is right in God's eyes and to seek what is right according to His words. BUT, I can tell you that God does not want us to stay in relationships that are not in His favor. I am a product of divorce... both my parents divorced and I divorced my ex-husband. All because of infidelity. And although my mother was not governed by the laws of God, I was. And it took me a long time to make the right decision. I look back now and wonder if I could have done things differently, but I honestly don't think so. I prayed earnestly to God every time I doubted and He revealed the truth to me EVERY TIME. It is unbelievable what was revealed to me even when I wasn't looking or seeking. Just through my prayer and covenant with God. We have to remember that when we marry in front of the Lord, we make a vow of commitment. A vow is a vow is a vow. Anyone that feels that they are above vows that they make in front of God is destined for failure.
Anyway, this isn't a sermon, just an opinion. I went through one of the roughest divorces in history. And I will share it with you all but I just want to reach out and instill power back into the souls and spirits of women everywhere who have been scorned by deceit. We are worth so much more and we need to know it.
Love,
Me
Once he finds out we know, he slips into denial... either it isn't his fault or we are imagining things, etc, etc, etc! And of course, as women, we burden and carry the guilt around and most often times start doubting ourselves with thoughts like, "What didn't I do right?", "Am I not pretty enough?", "I need to lose weight!", "What's wrong with me?", or "What does she have that I don't, or what can she do that I can't?" UGH!!!
Anyway, once the affair is realized, then we go through these motions:
1.) Was it our fault, did we somehow contribute to the demise of our relationship?
2.) We try and contact the other woman to validate what we already know.
3.) We give the relationship another try just so that we can outdo the other woman and prove to him that we are just as good, if not better!
4.) We try and lose weight, go and get procedures done, and wear sexier clothes just so that he can be attracted to us again.
5.) We degrade ourselves by questioning everything, with where were you, why didn't you answer your phone, what time did you leave work, etc., etc., and etc.
6.) We exhaust ourselves by trying to do everything right and get frustrated when there is proof that he is still up to no good.
7.) We go through roller coasters of emotion: hate, jealousy, rage, hopelessness, helplessness, fatigue, anger, sadness, self pity, lack of self esteem, and basically we lose ourselves in the process.
8.) We engage in an internal battle of keeping him so we win what we think is "the prize" from the other woman, and then wanting him to be as far away from us as possible and hoping that he meets his fate by getting run down by the city bus.
Now, if we have children, this is where it gets hairy for some women... those that lack self esteem and don't know how to fight fair, will often engage in this ugly battle by using the children as weapons. THIS, I will not even get into as it is SO WRONG to let children be used as pawns during this especially hard time for them. EVERY child knows and feels when there is something wrong between his/her parents, no matter what age... and believe me, they have it hard enough... they don't need to be felt abandoned by their dad on top of everything else.
Ladies, listen up... you are worth so much more than this. You are ENTITLED to so much more. Don't devalue your worth because he did. You are beautiful and you deserve to be always treated like a princess/queen. NOW, we all know who we are, if we haven't acted right or treated him as well as we could or should have, then that's on you. And that is something you need to deal with. But so as long as you've done what you were supposed to do, then you owe yourself so much more than this. I don't want to make this one sided as I know there are many men that find themselves at the receiving end of this as well... but men, you have options too. We all have options... and we are all God's children and although He wants us to humble ourselves, He does not want us in relationships that are not according to HIs ways. I know many Christians find themselves struggling to do what is right in God's eyes and to seek what is right according to His words. BUT, I can tell you that God does not want us to stay in relationships that are not in His favor. I am a product of divorce... both my parents divorced and I divorced my ex-husband. All because of infidelity. And although my mother was not governed by the laws of God, I was. And it took me a long time to make the right decision. I look back now and wonder if I could have done things differently, but I honestly don't think so. I prayed earnestly to God every time I doubted and He revealed the truth to me EVERY TIME. It is unbelievable what was revealed to me even when I wasn't looking or seeking. Just through my prayer and covenant with God. We have to remember that when we marry in front of the Lord, we make a vow of commitment. A vow is a vow is a vow. Anyone that feels that they are above vows that they make in front of God is destined for failure.
Anyway, this isn't a sermon, just an opinion. I went through one of the roughest divorces in history. And I will share it with you all but I just want to reach out and instill power back into the souls and spirits of women everywhere who have been scorned by deceit. We are worth so much more and we need to know it.
Love,
Me
Sacrifice for others
So, I took a ride in an ambulance Wednesday night thinking that I was experiencing a heart attack. Now, this wasn't the first time I was ever delivered to the hospital in an ambulance but it was the first time I was sober!
To make a long sad story short and funny... here are the details:
Get home, have had chest pains since Thursday the week before. But since I had just finished working 12 hours at work that day, my body, mind, and soul were exhausted. But the pain was worse today than ever and it was shooting through my left arm and my hands were feeling numb and cold. Uh-oh. Now, let me backtrack a little so you understand. I live with pain every day. Back when my first husband was messing with my mind... I developed psoriasis from the stress. It then turned into psoriatic arthritis (which is like rheumatoid arthritis but you cannot see it in any of the usual tests). Then on top of that, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I was told that when the medical world cannot figure out why you are healthy on the inside but in constant pain... it is referred to as fibromyalgia. Interesting. All I know is that I hurt, all the time. Sometimes it gets so bad that I cannot even dress myself in the mornings and at times, especially after I had my Jadyn (2 year old), I would sit and cry as I could not even pick her up. But going to doctors and being probed and tested didn't bring any results that sat well with me, and all they gave me was narcotics for the pain... and I just cannot function on those during the day. Don't get me wrong, they come in handy in the evenings with drinks but never during a working day where my brain has to function at a 100 mph! So, when my chest pains originally started, although I thought it to be odd, I didn't worry particularly since I always have pain and they tend to move around. BUT Wednesday, i knew I needed to seek medical assistance. So, I asked my husband to call our hospital to find out where the urgent care center was... and they asked us to call the 24 hour emergency nurse hotline in the back of our blue cross cards. So he did, and handed the phone to me... after asking me a few symptoms and such questions, she typed a few things into her database, verified my social, my address, and my dob, and then said, "Ma'am, you need to hang up with me right now and call 9-1-1! i will call you back in 5 minutes to follow up.) I looked over at my spouse and just started bawling. I barely gasped out that he needed to call 911... and there went the night!
Well, I am not sure what added to the chest pains and anxiety... the 12-15 fire and paramedics that responded (all men with the exception of one woman), or the fact that they all got to see the twins (thank goodness strapped in a bra), or the fact that they saw my muffin top belly, or the excitement of a particular fireman's crotch at face level! Oh my... even my blood pressure was high at the time. I thought I died and had gone to stripper heaven or something "I knew God would reward me", I thought... until I peeked over and saw my husband holding my little baby and all my neighbors in my living room with all of us! Aaaaaarrrrgggghhh! Anyway, after the usual checkup to ensure that i was not under cardiac arrest, they didn't want to take chances with me so they took me in. My husband accompanied me to a nearby small emergency room whereby they administered some painkiller (sounded like thorozine), a narcotic (sounded like ativan), and MORPHINE! YES, you read right.
Well, I got out that morning and got back early that morning but I wondered as I crawled into bed just who I was sacrificing all of this for... what if something were to go terribly wrong with me one day. What would happen to my children and husband and other loved ones? Then I knew that they would survive it all... and that it would be my sacrifice for them. As Jesus sacrificed for me. And that made me feel better and calmer. But I was high as a kite too! WOO HOO!
Okay, so I'll continue to fill you in on this as I have a doctor's appt tomorrow morning. I am tired now and want to go mi-mis.
Love,
Me
To make a long sad story short and funny... here are the details:
Get home, have had chest pains since Thursday the week before. But since I had just finished working 12 hours at work that day, my body, mind, and soul were exhausted. But the pain was worse today than ever and it was shooting through my left arm and my hands were feeling numb and cold. Uh-oh. Now, let me backtrack a little so you understand. I live with pain every day. Back when my first husband was messing with my mind... I developed psoriasis from the stress. It then turned into psoriatic arthritis (which is like rheumatoid arthritis but you cannot see it in any of the usual tests). Then on top of that, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I was told that when the medical world cannot figure out why you are healthy on the inside but in constant pain... it is referred to as fibromyalgia. Interesting. All I know is that I hurt, all the time. Sometimes it gets so bad that I cannot even dress myself in the mornings and at times, especially after I had my Jadyn (2 year old), I would sit and cry as I could not even pick her up. But going to doctors and being probed and tested didn't bring any results that sat well with me, and all they gave me was narcotics for the pain... and I just cannot function on those during the day. Don't get me wrong, they come in handy in the evenings with drinks but never during a working day where my brain has to function at a 100 mph! So, when my chest pains originally started, although I thought it to be odd, I didn't worry particularly since I always have pain and they tend to move around. BUT Wednesday, i knew I needed to seek medical assistance. So, I asked my husband to call our hospital to find out where the urgent care center was... and they asked us to call the 24 hour emergency nurse hotline in the back of our blue cross cards. So he did, and handed the phone to me... after asking me a few symptoms and such questions, she typed a few things into her database, verified my social, my address, and my dob, and then said, "Ma'am, you need to hang up with me right now and call 9-1-1! i will call you back in 5 minutes to follow up.) I looked over at my spouse and just started bawling. I barely gasped out that he needed to call 911... and there went the night!
Well, I am not sure what added to the chest pains and anxiety... the 12-15 fire and paramedics that responded (all men with the exception of one woman), or the fact that they all got to see the twins (thank goodness strapped in a bra), or the fact that they saw my muffin top belly, or the excitement of a particular fireman's crotch at face level! Oh my... even my blood pressure was high at the time. I thought I died and had gone to stripper heaven or something "I knew God would reward me", I thought... until I peeked over and saw my husband holding my little baby and all my neighbors in my living room with all of us! Aaaaaarrrrgggghhh! Anyway, after the usual checkup to ensure that i was not under cardiac arrest, they didn't want to take chances with me so they took me in. My husband accompanied me to a nearby small emergency room whereby they administered some painkiller (sounded like thorozine), a narcotic (sounded like ativan), and MORPHINE! YES, you read right.
Well, I got out that morning and got back early that morning but I wondered as I crawled into bed just who I was sacrificing all of this for... what if something were to go terribly wrong with me one day. What would happen to my children and husband and other loved ones? Then I knew that they would survive it all... and that it would be my sacrifice for them. As Jesus sacrificed for me. And that made me feel better and calmer. But I was high as a kite too! WOO HOO!
Okay, so I'll continue to fill you in on this as I have a doctor's appt tomorrow morning. I am tired now and want to go mi-mis.
Love,
Me
Christiany or lack thereof
Hello all,
I wanted to share my views on religion and the lack therof in our society. Although I want to keep an open mind on my site with regards to religion, politics, and etc., there are times when I will express my opinion. But I will be fair in bringing both sides to the table as there are always two sides to every story and or opinion.
One of President Barack Obama's mantras -- one that he has stated many times publicly as well as in his book The Audacity of Hope-- is: "Whatever we once were, we are no longer just a Christiannation; we are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, a Buddhist nation, a Hindu nation, and a nation of nonbelievers." And I am not writing this to deny or argue with that. As a matter of fact...
Our great nation was founded by men of different religions (49), some were Protestants of which 28 were affiliated with the Church of England (Episcopalian) after the Revolutionary War was won, 3 were Roman Catholics, 8 were Presyterians, 7 were Congregationalists, 2 were Lutherans, 2 were Dutch Reformed, and 2 were Methodists. Some of the more prominent Founding Fathers were anti-clerical or vocal about their opposition to organized religion, such as Thomas Jefferson (who created the "Jefferson Bible"), and Benjamin Franklin. Other notable founders, such as Patrick Henry, were strong proponents of traditional religion. Several of the Founding Fathers considered themselves to be deists or helpd beliefs very similar to that of deists (Deism is knowledge of God based on the application of reason on the designs/laws found throughout Nature. The designs presuppose a Designer.)
So the above paragraph does in fact negate what most Christians would say in terms of "our great nation was founded on the basis of religion". The US is emphatically not founded on Christian principles.This is explicitly stated in the Constitution, both in the First Amendment (“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment ofreligion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;”) and in Article VI, section 3 (“…no religious test shall ever be required as aqualification to any office or public trust under the United States.”)In addition, the Treaty of Tripoli, itself a legally binding document, bears these words: “As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion…” The United States is a secular nation, not a Christian nation. Any claim to the contrary is founded in ignorance of the Constitution, or in delusion. HOWEVER...
God became a device for holding the union together during the Civil War. The motto IN GOD WE TRUST was placed on United States coins largely because of the increased religious sentiment existing during the CivilWar. Lincoln's Secretary of the Treasury received an appeal from a parson, urging that the United States give recognition to God on coins.The Rev. Mark Richards Watkinson (1824-1877), pastor of "The Old Ridley Baptist Meeting House" wrote then Treasury Secretary Salmon P. Chase on November 13, 1861. Chase's reply started with; "No nation can be strong except in the strength of God, or safe except in His defense. The trust of our people in God should be declared on our national coins. You will cause a device to be prepared without unnecessary delay expressing in the fewest and tersest words possible this national recognition."Secretary of the Treasury Salmon P. Chase instructed James Pollock, Director of the Mint at Philadelphia, to prepare a motto, in a letter dated November 20, 1861.However, an Act of Congress dated January 18, 1837, prescribed the mottoes and devices that could be placed upon the coins of the United States. This meant that the mint could make no changes without the enactment of additional legislation by the Congress. In a letter to the Mint Director on December 9, 1863,Secretary Chase stated: "it should be changed so as to read: IN GOD WE TRUST." The Congress passed the Act of April 22, 1864. This legislation authorized the minting of the two-cent coin. IN GOD WE TRUST first appeared on the 1864 two-cent coin.
The motto disappeared from the five-cent coin in 1883, and did not reappear until production of the Jefferson nickel began in 1938.Since 1938, most United States coins bear the inscription. The motto has been in continuous use on the one cent coin since 1909 and the ten cent coin since 1916.
A law passed by the 84th Congress on July 30, 1956 declaring IN GOD WE TRUST the national motto of the United States. IN GOD WE TRUST was first used on paper money in 1957.
condensed from:www.treas.gov/education/fact-sheets/currency/in-god-we-trust.shtml
So, what I can gather from all of the above facts is that although God is not welcomed to govern over us as a nation and or its agenda, God's name is welcomed to be used on our monies as it represents unity in strength and we will be safe in His defense? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
I may not be a scholar, philosopher, or even an author that merits the respect of any American, but my opinion counts and my opinion is that we need God in this nation and it is showing through all the cracks of our infrastructure as a "powerful" nation. Without the respect, faith, and or hope in God, we lack the basic foundations, principles, and characters of humanity. Belief in God does not just represent a religion. Belief in God for a lot of people represents hope, resolution, and faith in something more than this society can offer. Although one could find that to be unrealistic, if you put yourselves in the shoes of those that have nothing else to look forward to, this is powerful. When there is nothing else to hang on to but power of prayer and hope for a better tomorrow, then it is powerful. America, you want to remove God from everything but yet when you find yourselves in despair, God is who you all seem to turn to. In one form or another.
Perhaps if God's presence was more welcomed in a consistent manner, then we would have less divorce, less adultery, and less crime against humanity. Perhaps if we trusted in God faithfully and not just on paper money, then we could greatly improve the degradation of basic morals, principles, and ethics. Perhaps we can instill the characteristics of humanity back into society and make all agendas pro-humanity, family, and good will rather then agendas separated by race, gender, and sexual preference. Perhaps children would be more respectful of their elders and feel, possess, and show more diligence to authoritative figures. I think if we don't do something soon, this world, as we know it... will end. I know, I know... for your skeptics out there, this might sound like cow dung, but as a believer, the signs are there and so much more apparent. Now, it may not happen in my lifetime and it may not happen in my children's lifetime, but it's coming. Oh, yes, it's coming!
"Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD" (Psalm 33:12)
Love,
Me
I wanted to share my views on religion and the lack therof in our society. Although I want to keep an open mind on my site with regards to religion, politics, and etc., there are times when I will express my opinion. But I will be fair in bringing both sides to the table as there are always two sides to every story and or opinion.
One of President Barack Obama's mantras -- one that he has stated many times publicly as well as in his book The Audacity of Hope-- is: "Whatever we once were, we are no longer just a Christiannation; we are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, a Buddhist nation, a Hindu nation, and a nation of nonbelievers." And I am not writing this to deny or argue with that. As a matter of fact...
Our great nation was founded by men of different religions (49), some were Protestants of which 28 were affiliated with the Church of England (Episcopalian) after the Revolutionary War was won, 3 were Roman Catholics, 8 were Presyterians, 7 were Congregationalists, 2 were Lutherans, 2 were Dutch Reformed, and 2 were Methodists. Some of the more prominent Founding Fathers were anti-clerical or vocal about their opposition to organized religion, such as Thomas Jefferson (who created the "Jefferson Bible"), and Benjamin Franklin. Other notable founders, such as Patrick Henry, were strong proponents of traditional religion. Several of the Founding Fathers considered themselves to be deists or helpd beliefs very similar to that of deists (Deism is knowledge of God based on the application of reason on the designs/laws found throughout Nature. The designs presuppose a Designer.)
So the above paragraph does in fact negate what most Christians would say in terms of "our great nation was founded on the basis of religion". The US is emphatically not founded on Christian principles.This is explicitly stated in the Constitution, both in the First Amendment (“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment ofreligion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;”) and in Article VI, section 3 (“…no religious test shall ever be required as aqualification to any office or public trust under the United States.”)In addition, the Treaty of Tripoli, itself a legally binding document, bears these words: “As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion…” The United States is a secular nation, not a Christian nation. Any claim to the contrary is founded in ignorance of the Constitution, or in delusion. HOWEVER...
God became a device for holding the union together during the Civil War. The motto IN GOD WE TRUST was placed on United States coins largely because of the increased religious sentiment existing during the CivilWar. Lincoln's Secretary of the Treasury received an appeal from a parson, urging that the United States give recognition to God on coins.The Rev. Mark Richards Watkinson (1824-1877), pastor of "The Old Ridley Baptist Meeting House" wrote then Treasury Secretary Salmon P. Chase on November 13, 1861. Chase's reply started with; "No nation can be strong except in the strength of God, or safe except in His defense. The trust of our people in God should be declared on our national coins. You will cause a device to be prepared without unnecessary delay expressing in the fewest and tersest words possible this national recognition."Secretary of the Treasury Salmon P. Chase instructed James Pollock, Director of the Mint at Philadelphia, to prepare a motto, in a letter dated November 20, 1861.However, an Act of Congress dated January 18, 1837, prescribed the mottoes and devices that could be placed upon the coins of the United States. This meant that the mint could make no changes without the enactment of additional legislation by the Congress. In a letter to the Mint Director on December 9, 1863,Secretary Chase stated: "it should be changed so as to read: IN GOD WE TRUST." The Congress passed the Act of April 22, 1864. This legislation authorized the minting of the two-cent coin. IN GOD WE TRUST first appeared on the 1864 two-cent coin.
The motto disappeared from the five-cent coin in 1883, and did not reappear until production of the Jefferson nickel began in 1938.Since 1938, most United States coins bear the inscription. The motto has been in continuous use on the one cent coin since 1909 and the ten cent coin since 1916.
A law passed by the 84th Congress on July 30, 1956 declaring IN GOD WE TRUST the national motto of the United States. IN GOD WE TRUST was first used on paper money in 1957.
condensed from:www.treas.gov/education/fact-sheets/currency/in-god-we-trust.shtml
So, what I can gather from all of the above facts is that although God is not welcomed to govern over us as a nation and or its agenda, God's name is welcomed to be used on our monies as it represents unity in strength and we will be safe in His defense? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
I may not be a scholar, philosopher, or even an author that merits the respect of any American, but my opinion counts and my opinion is that we need God in this nation and it is showing through all the cracks of our infrastructure as a "powerful" nation. Without the respect, faith, and or hope in God, we lack the basic foundations, principles, and characters of humanity. Belief in God does not just represent a religion. Belief in God for a lot of people represents hope, resolution, and faith in something more than this society can offer. Although one could find that to be unrealistic, if you put yourselves in the shoes of those that have nothing else to look forward to, this is powerful. When there is nothing else to hang on to but power of prayer and hope for a better tomorrow, then it is powerful. America, you want to remove God from everything but yet when you find yourselves in despair, God is who you all seem to turn to. In one form or another.
Perhaps if God's presence was more welcomed in a consistent manner, then we would have less divorce, less adultery, and less crime against humanity. Perhaps if we trusted in God faithfully and not just on paper money, then we could greatly improve the degradation of basic morals, principles, and ethics. Perhaps we can instill the characteristics of humanity back into society and make all agendas pro-humanity, family, and good will rather then agendas separated by race, gender, and sexual preference. Perhaps children would be more respectful of their elders and feel, possess, and show more diligence to authoritative figures. I think if we don't do something soon, this world, as we know it... will end. I know, I know... for your skeptics out there, this might sound like cow dung, but as a believer, the signs are there and so much more apparent. Now, it may not happen in my lifetime and it may not happen in my children's lifetime, but it's coming. Oh, yes, it's coming!
"Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD" (Psalm 33:12)
Love,
Me
Commitment
Hello all,
So, as you get to know me more and more, I will open up the chapters of my life to you little by little in small portions. But right now, I want to get a little into describing or defining commitment. First of all, what is commitment? The American Heritage Dictionary says:
Main Entry: commitment
Function: noun
1 : an act of committing: as a : placement in or assignment to a prison or mental hospital commitment> —compare INCOMPETENT, INTERDICTION
NOTE: Commitment to a mental health facility is called civil commitmentwhen it is not part of a criminal proceeding. Civil commitmentproceedings are initiated by the patient, in the case of voluntarycommitment, or by someone (as a family member or government agent)authorized by statute to petition for the patient's involuntarycommitment. Some form of a hearing and periodic review is required ininvoluntary commitment proceedings. A criminal defendant may becommitted to a mental hospital as a result of being found incompetentto stand trial, not guilty by reason of insanity, or incompetent to besentenced. b : an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee c : a warrant committing someone to a prison
2 : an agreement or promise to do something in the future; especially : a promise to assume a financial obligation at a future date commitments>
So, i guess the word commitment really has more to do with mental, prison, or financial situations rather than that of a relationship. SCARY!
I think this word needs an overhaul. In the next couple of days, we will discuss, dissect, and define loyalty, indiscretions, infidelities, faithfulness, and adultery. I have a LOT to say on this subject as this has and continues to affect me from all levels, OH BOY! Can't wait.
Good night and Love,
So, as you get to know me more and more, I will open up the chapters of my life to you little by little in small portions. But right now, I want to get a little into describing or defining commitment. First of all, what is commitment? The American Heritage Dictionary says:
- The act or an instance of committing, especially:
- The act of referring a legislative bill to committee.
- Official consignment, as to a prison or mental health facility.
- A court order authorizing consignment to a prison.
- A pledge to do.
- Something pledged, especially an engagement by contract involving financial obligation.
- A pledge to do.
- Something pledged, especially an engagement by contract involving financial obligation.
- The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons: a deep commitment to liberal policies; a profound commitment to the family.
Main Entry: commitment
Function: noun
1 : an act of committing: as a : placement in or assignment to a prison or mental hospital commitment> —compare INCOMPETENT, INTERDICTION
NOTE: Commitment to a mental health facility is called civil commitmentwhen it is not part of a criminal proceeding. Civil commitmentproceedings are initiated by the patient, in the case of voluntarycommitment, or by someone (as a family member or government agent)authorized by statute to petition for the patient's involuntarycommitment. Some form of a hearing and periodic review is required ininvoluntary commitment proceedings. A criminal defendant may becommitted to a mental hospital as a result of being found incompetentto stand trial, not guilty by reason of insanity, or incompetent to besentenced. b : an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee c : a warrant committing someone to a prison
2 : an agreement or promise to do something in the future; especially : a promise to assume a financial obligation at a future date commitments>
So, i guess the word commitment really has more to do with mental, prison, or financial situations rather than that of a relationship. SCARY!
I think this word needs an overhaul. In the next couple of days, we will discuss, dissect, and define loyalty, indiscretions, infidelities, faithfulness, and adultery. I have a LOT to say on this subject as this has and continues to affect me from all levels, OH BOY!
Can't wait. Good night and Love,
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